Dear Queenie,
My children are all grown up and living on their own, but some members of my family keep asking me to take care of their kids so they can have an evening out or even go away for a couple of days.
They never offer to pay, they expect me to do it for free. I guess they figure because I have a good job I don’t need the money. But I work full time and I need my own time off to rest up, not chase after little kids like I had to do when my own children were small.
Queenie, how can I say no without being rude?—No babysitting
Dear No babysitting,
It is not rude to say “no” when someone asks you to do them a favour. Any possible rudeness lies in the way you phrase it and in your tone of voice.
For example, it would be totally unacceptable to say, “F*** off so-and-so, I don’t run a day-care centre.”
However, it would not be the least bit impolite to say, “Sorry, so-and-so, I have other plans/need my beauty sleep/(whatever other reason you can think of).”
You might also keep at hand a list of day-care centres and reliable babysitters to which you can refer them. You could even give them a copy of that list for future reference so they do not have to bother you about child care again.
Dear Queenie,
My older sister is a bully. She thinks she knows best about everything and that I should do everything the way she says just because she is older than I am.
When we were kids she actually used to hit me if I didn’t do what she said, until I got bigger than she is and she got afraid to hit me anymore, but she still to this day expects me to do things the way she says I ought to.
Now I’m all grown up and married and we’re going to have a baby and my sister keeps telling us both how we should be raising a child, even though it goes against everything we believe.
Queenie, I don’t want to cut my sister out of my life, but I don’t want my children to have to deal with her either. What to do?—Fed up kid brother
Dear Kid brother,
Life-long attitudes and patterns of behaviour such as you describe are very difficult to change. Professional counselling might help both of you – her to change her way of dealing with you and you to learn better ways of coping with her.
Tell her that if she wants to be part of your life and your family’s she will have to go with you for that counselling. If she refuses to go, go without her and do whatever you have to to protect yourself and your children from her behaviour.
Dear Queenie,
I have a wonderful boyfriend who only ever had one girlfriend before me and their breakup was very hard on him.
We have a lot of fun together but I’m not getting any younger and I’m starting to think about having children and I want to still be fairly young when I do.
My boyfriend has never said anything about how he feels about me or about wanting children or not wanting them so I have no idea how he feels about these things.
Queenie, should I stick with him and wait for things to work out?—Getting impatient
Dear Impatient,
Do not ask me, ask him!
One of the keys to a really good relationship is communication. You have to be able to talk to each other about things that are important to you. Once you can do that you will know the answer to the question you asked me.
Dear Queenie,
My boyfriend all through college tells me he wants to go abroad to get his graduate degree. We were talking about getting married, but now he says he wants to get that degree first so he can get better jobs to support me and any children we might have.
Queenie, how will we be able to stay together if we are so far apart?—Afraid of separation
Dear Afraid,
It is possible, but of course it will be very difficult. Is there any possibility of your going abroad with him? Perhaps you too could study for an advanced degree?
I wish I could give you a more definite answer, but only time can answer your question. I hope everything turns out well for the two of you.
Dear Queenie,
I’m just 13 and my Mom still buys all my clothes for me. The thing is, she always gets them a size too large. She says it’s so I can grow into them. I don’t like loose, baggy clothes and the things she bought me last year are only now beginning to fit right.
Queenie, please help!—Fashion-conscious teenager
Dear Teenager,
It is possible that what you consider “fits just right” your mother considers “too darn tight!” And the fact that last year’s clothes now fit the way you like is an indication that you are indeed still growing.
Your mother is doing what she thinks is best for you. When you are an adult and able to buy your clothes for yourself, you can choose the styles and sizes you like, but for the time being you will have to accept your mother’s judgement.
