Dear Queenie,
My wife’s son has started many projects but never finishes them. He didn’t even finish high school, so he has trouble getting a job and then he can’t keep it because he just doesn’t finish the work they give him. When this happens he threatens to kill himself, so my wife gives him money until he gets a next job. He never actually has tried to kill himself, but he always talks about it.
She has given him more money than we can afford, but she won’t try to do anything to help him – or make him – do any better.
We tried to get him counselling, but he quit that too because he said it didn’t work, and I think it didn’t work because he lied to the counsellor.
My wife is so unhappy about him and angry with me because I am not sympathetic toward her son.
Queenie, what can I do to help her?—Worried stepfather
Dear Stepfather,
You can try to get your son tested for psychological problems like attention deficit disorder. You can also try to get your wife to go with you for family counselling to learn how to deal with your stepson’s problems better, and how to deal with the problems it is causing between you and your wife.
Dear Queenie,
I do not work outside of the home so I am always at home taking care of our children.
The problem is that whenever they see the kids playing outside in the yard our friendly neighbors know I am at home and drop in for a visit, sometimes more than once in the same day.
I need some time to rest from all the work of taking care of the house and kids and just some time to myself for whatever I happen to want to do for a little relaxation or entertainment.
Queenie, how to I get them to leave me alone when I don’t want company?—Private person
Dear Person,
Do not make excuses that your neighbours probably can see right through. Just tell them you are too busy or just not ready for company at the moment. If you can, suggest another time when you might be able to make them welcome.
Dear Queenie,
I have an amazing family – parents, brothers and sisters, nieces and nephews, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins – and I am close to all of them.
I know it is only natural that I will lose the older ones eventually, but the thought of that happening scares me because I don’t know if I will be able to handle the grief.
Queenie, I need help with this.—Afraid of losing them
Dear Afraid,
Your feelings are normal, although somewhat premature.
The hardest part of losing someone you love is regretting the things you would have wanted them to know but you never told them. So, spend as much time with them as you can and tell them as often as you can how much you care for them. And be sure to be the kind of person to whom they can be proud and happy to be related.
Dear Queenie,
My sister wants to bring her husband and her boyfriend to all our holiday parties and both her husband and her boyfriend seem to be okay with this arrangement.
My husband and I don’t want to go because we don’t want our kids to think this is a proper arrangement. My mother hosts all these parties and she says if they are okay with it she doesn’t mind.
Queenie, what do you think?—Holiday Etty Ket
Dear Etty Ket,
If your children are young enough to accept the extra guest as just a “good friend” of their aunt and uncle, do not make an issue of this unusual arrangement even if you yourselves do not like your sister’s “third wheel.”
However, if the children are old enough to understand that there is some kind of romantic involvement there, either make other plans for the holidays or make sure to explain to them that you do not approve, but do not want to boycott the rest of the family because of it.
Dear Queenie,
My wife is always on her iPhone checking e-mail or texting someone or using one of the apps.
I’m not the only one who has noticed. Even our children complain that they can’t get her attention long enough to talk to her about anything.
I tried to talk to her about this but she just made excuses about looking up things she needs for her job or just spending a little time having fun.
Queenie, how do I get her to put down her phone and spend some time enjoying real life?—Smart phone widower
Dear Phone widower,
The problem may be that your wife does not enjoy the responsibilities of “real life” as much as she does her addiction to her iPhone.
Make a list of your activities when you are together – driving, eating a meal, etc. – and – together – pick the ones when you feel it is important to have her attention. For example, she can play with the phone while you are driving, but must turn it off when you are eating a meal together.
And certainly, she must be prepared to give your children her full attention when they want to talk to her, even if the matter seems trivial to her!
