Dear Queenie,
My mother likes to shop at yard sales and charity fundraisers and then she gives the things she buys to her family as birthday and Christmas presents. The thing is, they are all used and often don’t work well or are even broken, and the clothes are often torn or stained.
Queenie, what’s the point of giving a gift that is really just junk?—Fed up
Dear Fed up,
Did you ever hear the saying, “It is the thought that counts”? Be glad your mother remembers the occasions and thinks of you. You might also take some pride in the fact that she apparently wants to contribute in some small way to the charities from which she buys all this “junk”. And remember that any gift, however unwanted, warrants a “thank you” from the recipient.
That said, if you do not want whatever she has given you, fell free to pass it on to some person in need or another charity for their fundraising sale, or to just throw it away.
Dear Queenie,
My daughter-in-law has very poor taste in clothes. Everything she wears is too tight or too skimpy and shows everything she’s got, including what should be private between her and her husband, my son.
Queenie, should I ask her to dress better, at least when she is with us? Should I show her how if she really doesn’t know the difference?—Embarrassed mother-in-law
Dear Mother-in-law,
Criticising your daughter-in-law’s taste in clothes would not be a good idea. You could talk to your son, ask him what he thinks about all this, and let him handle the matter.
Also, whenever you have reason to give your daughter-in-law a gift, make it a piece of clothing in a style you approve of (making sure it is the correct size) and hope she will wear it, at least when she is with you.
Dear Queenie,
I’m in the process of getting divorced and we’re trying to keep it as peaceful and friendly as possible for the children’s sake. Meanwhile, I have met a wonderful man who has asked me to marry him as soon as the divorce is final.
I don’t want my almost-ex-husband or my children to think he didn’t mean anything to me and I don’t want to seem to be trading in one man for the next, and especially I don’t want my children to be upset by my getting married again.
Queenie, how do I make them understand my feelings?—Soon-to-be-ex-wife
Dear Soon-to-be-ex,
Do not rush things. Let your children have time to settle down after the divorce and to get acquainted with the new man in your life. And give yourself time to get accustomed to your new circumstances.
If your new husband-to-be (I hope) is as wonderful as you think he is, he will understand and be patient – and if not, maybe he is not quite as wonderful as you think.
Dear Queenie,
My boyfriend wants me to move in with him, but his wife died years ago and he still has all her clothes and other personal belongings all around the house, which bothers me.
Queenie, can I ask him to get rid of all that stuff before I move in?—The new woman in his life
Dear New woman,
Treat this issue with respect. Your boyfriend may not be able to part with his late wife’s things, or it may just be too much of a job for him. Ask him whether he would like some help in packing up her things (not getting rid of them). Also, if he has children perhaps they might like to have some of their mother’s things.
Do not press the matter. If he is not willing to discuss it, wait a while before bringing it up again.
Dear Queenie,
My daughter is getting married to a man who is much better-off than we are. They have been living together for a couple of years and already have pretty much everything they need.
We want to give them a nice wedding gift, but we can’t afford anything expensive.
Any suggestions, Queenie?—Perplexed
Dear Perplexed,
A gift does not have to be expensive to be meaningful. Do you have a family heirloom or photograph(s) that you could give them? Or perhaps a (not-too-expensive) bottle of wine and set of engraved wine glasses? Along with a letter telling your daughter how much she means to you and how happy you are that she is marrying such a wonderful man.
