Dear Queenie,
I got divorced years ago because my husband was having an affair. My kids were 5 and 6 years old at the time.
After the divorce my ex-husband married the woman he had the affair with and they had a baby who is now school-age and when my own kids are staying with their father and come to see me they bring along their little half-sister. I don’t like having this kid around because she reminds me of all that stuff I went through with the affair and the divorce.
Queenie, how do I explain all this to my own kids without saying bad things about their dad?—Ex-wife
Dear Ex-wife,
Write your ex-husband a (polite) note explaining that you prefer not to see this child because of all the unhappy memories she brings up.
Without going into any painful and unpleasant detail, tell your own children that you wish they would not bring their little sister with them when they come to see you because seeing her makes you remember how unhappy you were back then when you and their father got divorced.
Dear Queenie,
My mother’s husband (my stepfather) used to be so mean to her that I wished she would leave him, and I didn’t like the way he treated me either. I will give him credit, when she got sick he took very good care of her until she died. I couldn’t have asked for her to get any better care than he gave her, but I still don’t like him.
Queenie, do I have to pretend that I do?—Resentful daughter
Dear Daughter,
You do not have to like your stepfather or to pretend that you do. However, you do have to be civil to him – that is just common courtesy. Think of it as doing it in memory of your mother, in gratitude for the care he gave her.
Dear Queenie,
I have grownup married children and people are always asking me about my grandchildren and when I tell them I don’t have any they ask why not.
Queenie, how do I answer such questions?—Not a grandmother (yet, I hope!)
Dear Not a grandmother,
You do not have to answer such nosey questions. Just change the subject. Or, you can smile and tell the person to ask your children that question and offer them your child(ren)’s phone number(s), and then change the subject. I doubt that person will ask you again.
Dear Queenie,
My husband is very rude to my family. They try to be nice to him but he is always looking at his cell phone and if they speak to him, like ask him how his parents are doing, he won’t even look up, just says, “They’re fine,” and goes on with whatever he is doing. If we go out to dinner he doesn’t take part in the conversation, just sits there looking bored.
Queenie, how can I get him to be nicer to them?—Fed-up wife
Dear Wife,
Does your husband especially not like your family or is he this way with everybody? If it is just your family, he should see them less often and when he does see them he should try harder to be at least polite to them.
However, if he is this way with everybody, perhaps he is terribly shy or has other behavioural issues which professional counselling might help him overcome.
Dear Queenie,
A friend of mine is engaged to marry a man who is known to have cheated on his previous wife – that’s why she divorced him and his own children won’t talk to him.
Some people have already warned my friend about him but she still plans to marry him. She says she can take care of herself if things don’t go right, but even so she could get her heart broken.
Queenie, how can I convince her that she is making a big mistake?—Worried friend
Dear Friend,
Perhaps your friend has convinced herself that this man will behave differently with her, but as the saying goes, “a leopard cannot change his spots”.
I doubt you can persuade your friend to change her mind, so all you can do is try to wish her well, and to be there for her if (when) things go wrong.
