Dear Queenie,
I haven’t seen or heard from my granddaughter for many years, since she was a teenager. I wouldn’t know it was her if I saw her on the street. Now she is getting married and I have received an invitation to her wedding. I think the only reason she invited me is because she expects me to get her a gift.
Queenie, should I go?—Ignored grandmother
Dear Grandmother,
You do not have an obligation to attend your granddaughter’s wedding or to send her a gift if you do not go. However, you should definitely RSVP the invitation – and, if only as a lesson in courtesy, send her a congratulations card.
Dear Queenie,
My husband calls me nasty names when we argue, which is a lot, and nothing I do ever pleases him, he always criticizes it in some way. I have told him how much this hurts my feelings, but he says I deserve it because I always do something to make him angry.
He won’t go for counselling because he doesn’t think there is any problem with how he treats me.
Queenie, if he really thinks I’m so terrible, why does he stay with me?—Abused wife
Dear Wife,
Your husband’s verbal abuse is his way of controlling you and there is a real risk that it may escalate into physical abuse. Let your family and friends know how he behaves, and I hope you can count on them for support.
Even though your husband refuses to get counselling, get counselling for yourself to learn how to cope with his behaviour and to decide whether you would be better off leaving him – and if so, how to do so safely.
Dear Queenie,
Whenever my husband is upset about anything he starts a fight with me that doesn’t have anything to do with what he is upset about. I suggested he get counselling about this, but he won’t even consider it. He said there’s nothing wrong with him, it’s my fault for making him mad, and then he started a fight about my suggestion that he needed counselling.
Queenie, what more can I do?—Frustrated wife
Dear Wife,
Your problem is not so much that your husband takes out his frustrations on you as that you allow him to do so. This is emotional abuse on his part.
If he continues to refuse to get counselling, you should get counselling yourself to learn why you put up with his abuse and what you can do about it, even if it means ending your relationship with him – and if so, how to go about doing so safely.
Dear Queenie,
A friend of mine gave me some books she didn’t like.
Queenie, why would she give me something if she didn’t like it?—Offended friend
Dear Friend,
The fact that she did not like the books does not mean you would not like them either. Very often good friends have different tastes – in food, or clothes, or in this case reading matter.
Have you tried reading the books? If not, do so to see whether you like them. If you do, enjoy! If you do not, pass them on to a library, a rummage sale, or someone else you know who might like them.
Dear Queenie,
My wife died recently and now I can’t stop worrying about something that happened many years ago. Back then I had an affair with one of our neighbors. I did tell my priest about it in confession and he made me do penance and absolved me of my sin, but I never said anything about it to my wife and I don’t know if she ever suspected anything.
Queenie, should I tell my children, who are all grown up, or do I just have to live with this secret?—Still feeling guilty
Dear Feeling Guilty,
Telling your children might make you feel better, but it probably would make them feel terrible. Is that what you want?
If you must tell somebody about this ancient mistake, talk to a professional counsellor who can help you find a way to forgive yourself.
