Dear Queenie,
My husband and I have been married for about 6 months and people are already asking us when we’re going to start a family.
We both have good jobs and aren’t ready for children yet, if ever. We haven’t decided if we want children or not, but if we do, we want to own our own home and be able to afford nice things for them. Plus things like school fees and sending them to private school or even away to school because the public schools here are so backward … you know how it adds up.
Queenie, how do we answer people who ask us this question? How do we answer our parents, and how do we answer outsiders?—Feeling pressured
Dear Feeling pressured,
Tell family members what you have told me, if you feel like going into detail. If not, just say, “We’re not ready for children yet.”
As for “outsiders,” it depends on whether you mean friends, acquaintances or perfect strangers, and on how polite or rude you want to be to them.
“We’re not ready yet” is the politest answer. Or you could answer the question with another question: “Why would you ask me such a personal question?” Or, to be equally rude, “What business is that of yours?” or even “That’s none of your (expletive included, if you want to be really rude!) business.”
Dear Queenie,
I was in love, I’m still in love. I thought this guy was the one for me. I based everything around him. He told me that I would be his wife, and I believed him.
He knew what I was looking for in life before we decided to get serious. He was sure of what he wanted in life and that made me love him even more.
We were not married, but I did everything a wife or a lover would do. I was there for him, I would stand by his side, I would give him the best of me, because I wanted to bring out the best in him. He was everything to me.
Now he is having second thoughts. He isn’t too sure of what he wants now in life, he is confused. In the beginning he was so sure and so positive, now all of a sudden he has this sudden change. And I am left with a broken heart and empty inside.
Queenie, do you think this is fair to me?—Distraught
Dear Distraught,
Of course it is not fair to you. But you got yourself into this mess and it is up to you to get yourself out.
I think your boyfriend knows exactly what he wants, and what he doesn’t want. He wants the advantages of being married. He doesn’t want the responsibilities. He probably knew all this from the start and was only stringing you along, telling you what you wanted to hear so you would give him what he wanted.
Now it’s time for you to decide what you want and to go after it. And this time, insist on a formal commitment – marriage – before you “base everything around him, do everything a wife or a lover would do, and give him the best of you.”
Dear Queenie,
I’m getting on in years and I’m worried about what will become of some of my things when I die.
There are some lovely family heirlooms that I’m afraid my children will fight over because some of them are rather valuable (jewelry and such) and they only care about what they are worth in cash, and I’d rather give them to one of my granddaughters who has a real sense of family and will cherish them for the family history behind them.
Queenie, how can I be sure she gets the things I want her to have?—Grandmother
Dear Grandmother,
One way is to give the things to your granddaughter now, while you are still alive, assuming she is an adult and independent enough to hold on to them in spite of pressure from other members of the family. To avoid such squabbles, try to give each of the others a gift of equal monetary value at the same time.
I believe the law controls part of the distribution of your estate, but at least some of it is subject to your wishes. I suggest you consult an attorney to find out just what your legal position is, and make a will to control distribution of the part you are allowed to bequeath.
Dear Queenie,
I am a 21-year-old woman. I’ve been going with this man who is 12 years older than me for the past 5 years. He lives with his girlfriend for the past six, and during that time he got her pregnant and they have two children together.
His girlfriend knows about me, she even moved out, but then came back.
My boyfriend wants me to have a child for him, but I refuse, because I don’t want my child to have a bunch of brothers and sisters from daddy’s different women. He tells me that I’m selfish.
Now I am getting tired of the situation. I can’t really depend on him and I see that I’m getting old with him and we are not moving anywhere and he is the only one benefiting from the situation (you know, two women at the same time) and I’m tired and sick of it, but yet I love him.
Queenie, what to do? Please help me please?—Desperate Mate
Dear Desperate Mate,
What to do? Wake up smell the coffee!
You admit that you don’t like the situation and your boyfriend is the only one benefiting from it. You say he start seeing you when you were 16 and he was already living with another woman. The only smart thing you have done is refuse to let him get you pregnant.
While he was living with another woman he cheated on her with you. You can be sure he will treat you the same way if you stick with him.
You are not old yet by any means and you do not have any children to tie you down. You have every opportunity to further your education and get a good job so you can support yourself. While you are doing so, you can be looking out for a good man who will not cheat on you or give your children a flock of half-brothers and -sisters.
Face it, my dear, you tied yourself down with this heel when you were still a child and have never given yourself a chance to fall in love with a good man who would treat you the way you have a right to expect!
Dear Queenie,
Hello from New York City. I returned from 3 wonderful weeks in St. Maarten; I'm a time share owner.
Every day on the island I read The Daily Herald and was moved by the discourse that arose after a student wrote to you and you chastised her for her poor language skills.
Unfortunately, I threw the paper out. I wanted to save it to use with my journalism class in a New York City high school.
Would you please send me a copy of the original “Dear Queenie” that was published.
Thank you, Queenie, and keep up the good advice to all, young and old alike.—US high school teacher
Dear Teacher,
I am arranging for you to receive a copy of that column. I hope your students find it edifying.
Thank you for your encouragement. Sometimes I feel like a voice crying in the wilderness when it comes to communication skills.
