Dear Queenie,
Recently, I was chatting with a group of friends when one of them said something that has stayed with me. She accused me of having a favourite child. Her reasoning was that I tend to talk more about my son than my daughter. I was taken aback. I have two children, a son and a daughter. My son is three years older than my daughter, and I admit that I probably mention him more often in conversation. But does that mean I love him more? I don’t believe so. I love both of my children deeply, and the suggestion that I am playing favourites bothered me more than I expected. Since then, I have been reflecting. Am I treating them differently without realizing it? Is it normal to speak more about one child than another depending on age or personality? Or have my friends noticed something I have missed?—Wondering if Love Sounds Uneven
Dear Wondering if Love Sounds Uneven,
Talking more about one child does not automatically mean you love that child more. Children occupy different spaces in our lives at different times. An older child may have reached more milestones, created more stories, or simply have a personality that comes up more often in conversation. Another child may be quieter, more private, or at a different stage of life. That is normal. What matters is not who gets mentioned most. What matters is how each child experiences your love. Do they both feel seen? Do they both feel valued? Do they both know that your support does not depend on performance, personality, or how often they become the topic of a story? Those are the questions worth asking. Now, your friend’s comment may have been careless, but it offered you an opportunity for reflection. Sometimes we do unconsciously speak more about one child because their life is currently more eventful, challenging, or visible. That is not favouritism. It is focus. Favouritism becomes a problem when one child consistently receives more affection, praise, attention, or grace than the other. If you are genuinely concerned, pay attention to your behaviour at home rather than your conversation with friends. Children are remarkably perceptive. They may not count how many stories you tell about them, but they notice how they are treated. And if both your son and daughter feel secure in your love, then your friend’s observation is just that, an observation, not a verdict. Parenting is not always perfectly symmetrical. Love does not need to sound identical to be equally real.—Queenie
