Dear Queenie,
My wife and I have been married for many years. We have a good marriage. She is a respected woman, very proper, and serves as an elder in our Baptist church. Recently, while she was away visiting family, I decided to clear out part of our closet. That is when I found a hidden stash. And by stash, I mean a collection of sex toys. Different shapes. Different sizes. Some I could identify. Some looked like they came from a science fiction movie. One in particular had what I can only describe as “alien eggs.” Now, here is the strange part. My wife and I do not use toys in our intimate life. At least, not to my knowledge. So naturally, I am shocked. I am also confused. Part of me is amused. Part of me is curious. Part of me is wondering what else I don’t know about Sister Sanctified. I don’t want to accuse her of anything. For all I know, she bought them, got embarrassed, and hid them away. Or maybe she has a private side I know nothing about. Queenie, how does a husband bring up a box of secret gadgets without turning the conversation into an interrogation?—Found More Than Summer Dresses
Dear Found More Than Summer Dresses,
First, let us give your wife credit. Behind every well-pressed church hat may be a woman with a far more interesting inner life than anyone suspects. Being an elder in the Baptist church does not revoke one’s humanity. It simply means she knows how to lead prayer and perhaps, apparently, keep a very effective hiding place. Now, let us deal with the facts. You found a secret collection of intimate items in your shared home. Your surprise is understandable. But finding them does not automatically mean there is wrongdoing. People have curiosities. They make purchases. They explore privately. Sometimes they buy things they never use and then hide them like evidence from a crime scene. The issue is not the toys. It is the secrecy. And the only way to understand that is with a conversation. Not an accusation. Not a sermon. A conversation. Try this: “I was cleaning the closet and came across something I didn’t expect. I was surprised, and I’d like to understand.” Then be quiet. You may discover that your wife has a sense of curiosity she never felt comfortable discussing. You may discover they are old purchases, gifts, or relics of a moment of bold online shopping. And who knows? This conversation may lead to embarrassment, laughter, or a surprisingly candid discussion between two people who have been married for years. Marriage is long enough to contain a few unexpected discoveries. Even the kind with “alien eggs.” So approach the topic with curiosity rather than judgment. After all, you may learn that Sister Sanctified has been far more adventurous than you ever imagined.—Queenie
