Revoke my Black card, ‘Waiting to Exhale’ sucked: Just Being Funny

By Caribbean Comedian Onicia Muller

I finally watched “Waiting to Exhale”. Controversial thoughts in 3…2…1… That film was some Tyler Perry-levels of overly dramatic and corny shenanigans. Forest, I didn’t know you had it in you.

Everything Angela Bassett’s character did would land you court-ordered domestic violence classes and probably even lose your kids – the very thing she was fighting for.

I bet Wesley Snipes’ character ain’t even had any white wife with cancer. His entire backstory was some master-level pickup artist-ish.

If Angela Bassett was so good at business, why didn’t she sell her house, downsize and start her own venture? Since she helped to create such a successful company, she could do like rich, white kids and “bootstrap”. Beloved, the boots already strapped; leverage your network, net worth, and other resources.

Lela Rochon was sleeping with three men at the same time (count ’em: one, two, three) and still managed to get dickmatized?!! That’s the opposite of what’s supposed to happen! See, kids, this is what happens when you want to play in the big leagues but belong in the minors.

After watching Waiting to Exhale, I searched “Whitney Houston crack timeline”. Thanks, MTV, for being so diligent and putting that together. I tell you if you want to know about something, the internet will have the answer. Anyways, I wonder if they gave Whitney that dialogue as a way to drop some hints. The movie was so bad that I’m not reading the book to find out if that part was them taking creative license.

Speaking of Whitney’s characters, are moms really out there telling their children to date married people who won’t leave their spouses? With such scallywag life advice, it’s no wonder Whitney Houston’s character’s mom only had $67 in her bank account. Foolish.

I have no complaints about Loretta Devine’s character – except her man wasn’t cute and her general homophobic attitude was off-putting. But considering the lack of character all the cute dudes had, I’ll gladly take a homely handyman any day.

I can’t believe I waited almost 25 years to watch Waiting to Exhale – is this the iconic film that had so many black women empowered and ready to leave their ain’t ish men?!! Well, the film is trash, but the tunes still slap.

It took me until 2020 to watch Waiting to Exhale because all I remember my mother telling me is that I was too young for such matters. Somehow even at 13+, I told myself that I was too young. Woosh, talk about being obedient to a fault.

Finally, did y’all know that Forest thee Whitaker directed Waiting to Exhale? Yup, The Last King of Scotland was serving cinematic Tyler Perry realness before Tyler Perry was real. Perry probably saw how y’all supported the film and said: “I can do that!” LOLz.

So yeah, give me my Black card for finally watching Waiting to Exhale. Now revoke it because I hate it.

Shout out to Tyler Perry for knowing his core fan base and sticking to his storytelling guns!

Award-winning Caribbean comedian Onicia Muller’s weekly humour column, Just Being Funny, is chicken soup for the naive sceptic’s soul. You can hire Onicia to write anything from blogs and newsletters to funny greeting cards. Join her newsletter for funny stories and stand-up comedy: OniciaMuller.com