Just Being Funny: No pen pals, please – I’m on this app for penis

By Comedic Storyteller Onicia Muller

Obviously, I hated myself because only an enemy would convince me to try online dating. Sadly, I would die single if I kept passively waiting for these raggedy dudes to recognise my Proverbs 31 potential.

Listen, recruiters don’t magically hand out jobs. Yuh gah let de employer man dem know yuh interested and able by mekkin’ a LinkedIn profile and submitting yuh resume.

Sitting on yuh fingers does nothing for your career nor romantic prospects. Sitting on other people's fingers? Well, that’s wholly different and highly useful.

I tried flirting with strangers in the library, which led to getting snatched and stalked. You know, inviting strangers out on dates is like walking into a business – that ain’t gah up no sign or nothing – and asking for a job. Security can tell you how well that works.

Don’t blame schools for not offering quality right-swipes. Students are screened on their ability to excel at sports, arts, and academics – not whether they will #WasteMyTime.

I got a free OkCupid profile because no way was I paying for dick. And I only talked to locals ‘cause I ain’t travelling for dick either.

OKC was a dumpster fire. I stopped responding to messages that had even a hint of sexual innuendo. Don’t “Hey, sup?” me like I’m some common Jezebel!

I should have paid for Match.com – maybe then I would have met someone rich. You know what they say: You gotta spend money to catch a money.

Roberto was great except his messages were hella long. We switched to texting and my guy was still writing lengthy passages. SMS stands for SHORT Message Service, not Seriously-long-ain’t-reading-alla-dat Message Service.

I ain’t join OKC for pen pals – I’m looking for peen and personality! So, I invited Roberto to a cafe to know if we had real chemistry.

“I have a confession.” Oh gawd, don’t tell me I’m about to be on MTV’s Catfish! “Well, the thing is I weighed like 270 before joining the Navy. I got down to 178 in three months so I could join. Gradually I gained the weight back. I allowed myself to get out of control. Now I weigh approx. 325 lbs.”

Das it?! Your big confession is yuh fat?! Bruh, I was imagining way worse. I told Roberto to get his fluffy butt down to the cafe because – as luck would have it – I’m an equal opportunity lover who was too thirsty to be dissuaded by a few extra pounds.

Roberto never made it to the cafe. He wanted me to wait until he lost the weight. “Cool. So, when last were you at your ideal weight?”

“It’s been about three years, but I’m determined.”

“Determined,” he say. Sigh. Block. Delete. Disconnect Wi-Fi. Ain't nobody waiting three years for a chance to maybe know whether the online dick might be bomb.

Shout out to the thickalicious lovers who don’t mislead us with heavy filters and cropped profile photos. More peen and pum pum power to you!

Award-winning Caribbean comedian, Onicia Muller regrets leaving St. Maarten for windy Chicago. Her weekly humour column, Just Being Funny is chicken soup for the naive skeptic’s soul. Join her newsletter for funny stories and stand-up comedy. OniciaMuller.com/JBF.