By Caribbean Comedian Onicia Muller
I was watching Airplane! (1980) and spotted a pair of fake breasteses. At first, it meant nothing to me, but then my brain said: “Wait a minute, isn’t this film old as dust? How long have breast implants been a thing?”
So in the middle of the night, my roommate and I fired up the old internet search engine to learn everything we could about breast implants, breast augmentations, and everything fake-boobie related. You’re welcome.
If you don’t know, a breast implant is a prosthesis used to change the size, shape, and contour of a person’s breast. Sadly, they only come in circular or teardrop shapes – no one is getting square, cone, or triangular chest ornaments. Hey! Before you say that’s silly, let me remind you that “bagel head” was a beauty trend in the early 2010s. In fact, as recently as August 2020, a woman got forehead implants to look more like a cyborg.
Man! If this is how we’re spending our money when we’re drowning in student loan debt, imagine how decadent our lifestyles would be if we had universal free college? Actually, if I think about it, getting a bagel-shaped silicone implant in my forehead might be a sounder investment than blowing 80 racks on a screenwriting degree. I won’t go into how, but just take a few moments to daydream and you’ll catch the vision.
The first generation of modern implants came out in 1963. Before then, breast augmentation surgery could be traced back to the 1800s. That’s right! We were blowing up boobies before we figured out vacuum cleaners, radio broadcasting, and electric washing machines!
(Y’all, don’t hold me to these raggedy internet facts. I’m just a dutty head with a keyboard looking for jokes.)
Back then, “doctors” were putting any ole’ thing into people’s chests to give them enlarged breasts. For example, implants were made from ivory, glass balls, ground rubber, ox cartilage – and so many other gnarly things. Bruh! Somebody’s great-grandma is decomposed in a grave with two rock-hard (or should I say glass-hard) glass balls in her chest area.
You have to ask yourself if any of these man dem ever touched a boob. Like, why would you think ivory or glass would make the perfect filler substance for what should be the most supple part of our anatomy?
Another amazing fact: The first living creature to receive silicone implants was a dog. I wanna know if they gave the dog one silicone boob or a full 10-pack of D-cups? I lowkey would be wex if they didn’t fill her out all the way.
We might never know if chesticular enhancement made male doggies go “bow wow wow”, but I’m sure furries around the world are salivating. (Please maintain your innocence and don’t search “furries”.)
Shout out to the FDA for always dragging they feet on regulating industries! Without your non-diligence, many would have to die of old age or wouldn’t experience the joy that is a class action lawsuit payout.
Award-winning Caribbean comedian Onicia Muller’s weekly humour column, Just Being Funny, is chicken soup for the naive sceptic’s soul. You can hire Onicia to write anything from blogs and newsletters to funny greeting cards. Join her newsletter for funny stories and stand-up comedy: OniciaMuller.com