Dear Queenie,
When my grandmother died they had her funeral at the same time as I had an interview for a new job. I had been out of work for a while and I really needed that job and there was no way I could re-schedule the interview and if I didn’t show up on time I wouldn’t get the job and they wouldn’t ever consider me for any other job that might come up.
I tried to explain all this to my parents and as soon as the interview was finished (I got the job!) I went to the funeral and nobody said anything about me being so late, but I could tell they were vexed and up to now they still haven’t forgiven me.
Queenie, was I wrong? And how do I make it right?—Grieving grandchild
Dear Grandchild,
I understand why you went for the job interview and I am glad to hear that you got the job, but I also understand why your family is vexed.
You need to apologise to your family, without making any excuses or explanations – they already know why you were so late. Ask them to forgive you and give them time to do so. Remember, they are grieving for your grandmother too.
Dear Queenie,
My husband is always complaining that I’m not willing to have sex with him often enough.
I would love to feel like having sex with him but I’m always too tired from working a full-time job and then coming home and looking after our children and having to do all the house-cleaning and cooking and clearing up.
I know he works full time too, but then he comes home and relaxes and watches TV or plays a computer game.
Queenie, how can I get him to help around the house so that I will have the energy for making love with him?—Exhausted wife
Dear Wife,
Have you talked to your husband about this and explained your problem to him? If not, have a long talk with him about it until you think he has heard and understood what you are trying to tell him.
If that doesn’t help, you may need professional counselling – for both of you, would be best. And you should also have a complete physical check-up; make an appointment with your family doctor ASAP and try to have your husband go with you to hear what the doctor says.
Dear Queenie,
My best friend got religion some time ago and now all she talks about is how the Lord has blessed her with her children and her grandchildren and her new husband that she met recently (her first husband died in an accident many years ago). She says God has given her everything she prayed for and goes on and on about how good He has been to her.
It’s gotten very hard for me to hear all this, because things are very different for me. For one thing, both my husband and my daughter also died in an accident and I still haven’t gotten over the loss. I can’t help but be jealous of how well things are going for her, but I just keep quiet and listen and then tell her I am happy that things are so good for her.
Queenie, is there anything I can do besides just giving up on this friendship?—Less-blessed Best Friend
Dear Best Friend,
You could remind her of the saying “The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.”
Tell her (as gently as you can manage) that you are glad for her sake that things have gone so well for her, but sometimes it gets to be just too much for you to bear to have to hear about it all the time, and ask her if she cannot find something else to talk about.
Dear Queenie,
My son has graduated high school and has a good job for the summer, so he spends his days working and at night he stays out late having fun with his friends.
I work full time in the day and go to bed fairly early at night to get some rest and I don’t like being waked up when he comes home late or staying awake worrying if he doesn’t get home by a reasonable hour.
Queenie, how do I stop worrying and let him enjoy himself?—Sleep-deprived mother
Dear Mother,
If your son has a job he needs to get enough sleep at night that he can do his work well during the day. You also need to set some rules so that you can get the sleep you need.
Make an agreement with your son that when he is out at night he will answer promptly if/when you call him, set an hour by which he agrees to be home, and let him promise to call and let you know if he has a problem getting home by that time so that you can come and get him if necessary.
However, your son is growing up and soon enough you will have no control whatsoever over what he does or what happens to him, so you had better start learning how to let him go.
Dear Queenie,
My husband and I have been married for almost 30 years. He is a good provider and was a good father to our kids, who are now all grown up and out on their own and doing very well for themselves.
My husband likes to go out and socialize with whoever is there where he goes, which is usually a bar or someplace where they are serving liquor and then he drinks too much and when he comes home we end up fighting about how much he drank and how dangerous it is for him to be driving in that condition.
He thinks he is not abusive because he doesn’t hurt me physically in any way, but he doesn’t realize how mentally and emotionally cruelly he treats me.
We have tried to go for counselling, but he makes things look like I am the only one with a problem.
Queenie, I don’t want a divorce, but I just can’t let things go on like this. What to do?—Fed-up wife
Dear Wife,
Has your husband always been a “social drinker”? Have things changed – gotten worse since your children grew up and left home, or have you become more critical of your husband now that you do not have the children to focus on?
If he is constantly drunk, contact Al-Anon (on-line at
al-anon.alateen.org if necessary) for help in learning to deal with him. But if the problem is just that he has a social life while you are stuck lonely at home missing your now-adult children, get involved in some interesting outside activities – volunteer with some non-profit organisation, for example – make some new friends and keep busy.
You can also go back for counselling without your husband, to help you figure out what all your possibilities are.
