Dear Queenie,
Our daughter is living at home while she attends university and this is fine with us except for the fact that she spends a couple of nights a week with her boyfriend at his house. She is an adult (over 18) so we haven’t said anything to her about it, but among other things we don’t like the example it sets for her younger sisters and we are afraid if we do say anything she will just move in with him.
Queenie, should we ask her not to spend the whole night with him or would it just make her move in with him entirely?—Worried parents
Dear Parents,
You should talk to your daughter about your concerns, in general the example she is setting for her sisters and especially the possibility of her getting pregnant. Make sure she realises the adverse effects such an event would have on her future in university and beyond.
Dear Queenie,
My son and his family live far away from me. I have spent a lot of money on travelling to visit them and get to know my grandchildren and I always remember everyone’s birthday.
The last time I went to visit them they did not meet me at the airport although they had promised to do so, when I got to their house they didn’t have anything for me to eat, and the room they had for me and their bathroom were messy and dirty and they expected me to clean them up. They left me alone half the time while they went out with friends and the children talked a lot about their relatives on their mom’s side but never said anything about anything we had ever done together or anything they knew about me.
Queenie, what’s the point of my visiting them if they aren’t interested in me?—Vexed Grandmother
Dear Grandmother,
Have you spoken to your son and daughter-in-law (gently, politely!!!) about any of these complaints?
Do not travel to visit them more than you wish to do. You can always stay in touch with your grandchildren (and their parents) by phone calls, text messages, letters, email, Facebook and Skype.
Dear Queenie,
My daughter is engaged to be married to a man she has been together with for several years. Before she ever met him she used to go out with the son of some friends of ours (me and my husband) and we stayed friends with them even after our kids broke up.
Now my daughter’s fiancé says we shouldn’t have anything to do with them anymore because our kids broke up and we are disrespecting him by staying friends with that family. We say we were friends with them long before our kids got together and even though the kids aren’t together anymore, that doesn’t mean their parents can’t be friends.
Queenie, what do you say?—Long-time faithful reader
Dear Faithful reader,
I say, “Thank you for your loyalty to this column.” I also say there is no reason you cannot stay friends with this family just because two of your respective children are no longer a couple, which is a matter that concerns mainly the (ex)-couple involved, especially if the break-up was reasonably amicable.
I also say that your son-in-law-to-be seems to have some serious insecurity issues and probably would benefit from professional counselling, if anyone can persuade him to go for it. Meanwhile, do not let him control your lives and relationships.
Dear Queenie,
Every time one of our friends has a special occasion that calls for a gift, like a birthday or anniversary, this one friend offers to help me pay for whatever I am getting for that friend of ours. It’s kind of obvious that she just doesn’t want to have to go to the trouble of shopping for something, getting a card, wrapping it all up and getting it delivered.
Queenie, what’s a polite way to refuse her “help”?—Fed-up friend
Dear Friend,
You could make a point of shopping early and tell your “helpful” friend that you have already bought (and possibly sent or delivered) the gift. You also could give her some suggestions as to what she might want to get for and give to that person. But do not let her turn you into her personal shopper.
Dear Queenie,
My fiancée’s brother doesn’t like me. I have tried to be nice to him and we even made him part of our wedding party to try to get along with him, but he still is rude to me and even threatens not to let his parents see his children, their grandchildren, if anyone doesn’t do whatever it is he wants at the moment.
We would rather not have him at our wedding at all, but that probably would just make things worse.
Queenie, is there any way we can keep him from doing something to spoil the occasion?—Worried groom-to-be
Dear Groom-to-be,
Arrange for a few friends who will be at your wedding – or even hire someone, a security guard, perhaps – to keep an eye on your fiancée’s brother at the wedding and quietly escort him out if he starts to do anything that might spoil the occasion.
Meanwhile, a professional counsellor might be able to help you understand why he behaves the way he does and how best to deal with his behaviour. I suspect your brother-in-law-to-be would also benefit from professional counselling if anyone can persuade him to go for it.
