Dear Queenie,
My parents got divorced a long time ago and my mother still talks bad about my father and gets vexed if I say anything about him or have anything to do with him. If he is present at any family occasion she is so unpleasant that it gets difficult for everyone.
I have been together with my boyfriend for years, but she doesn’t like him either and she acts the same way about him. She wouldn’t even spend Easter with us because he would be there.
Queenie, is there any way I can get her to stop behaving this way?—Fed-up daughter
Dear Daughter,
Whenever there is a family occasion, tell your mother it is her choice whether or not to be there, but if she does attend you expect her to be civil to (and about) everyone else. And if she attends and then starts behaving unpleasantly, feel free to ask her (politely!) to tone it down or leave.
Dear Queenie,
My wife and I recently moved into a new home and we are busy with fixing things up and getting everything arranged, but everyone keeps asking us to let them see our new place. We keep telling them we will have a housewarming party as soon as we get settled in and get things fixed up, but even so, some of them just drop by and then make remarks about how messy and cluttered the place is.
Queenie, how do we say “no” to people who are being rude to us without being just as rude to them?—New home Etty Ket
Dear Etty Ket,
It is not rude to stand up to someone who is being rude to you. Just (try to) smile, and tell them you are too busy to entertain them at the moment, but you will invite them to the housewarming when the time comes.
Dear Queenie,
My adult daughter, who is soon to be married, still has a roomful of stuff stored in our house, but now my husband and I are planning to move into a smaller house and we won’t have room for all of her things. We asked her to take it all off our hands but up to now she hasn’t done it.
Queenie, should we rent a storage unit and have them send her the bill or should we just pack up all her stuff and dump it on her doorstep?—Fed-up mother
Dear Mother,
Give your daughter a deadline by which all her stuff must be out of your house and tell her that if she does not meet that deadline, you will dispose of it however you can.
If it comes to the latter, I would suggest donating anything worthwhile to whatever charitable organisation can make good use of it, and just dumping out whatever they do not take.
Dear Queenie,
My sister faked being pregnant to keep her boyfriend from splitting up with her. She even gave this fake baby a name, which her boyfriend has in a tattoo on his arm. He moved in with her because of the (fake) baby and after a couple months my sister pretended to have a miscarriage and now she talks all the time about how much she misses the baby she never had.
Queenie, I know the truth, that she was never pregnant. Should I tell her boyfriend?—Liar’s sister
Dear Sister,
Your sister may have acted out this lie so much and for so long that she has started to believe it herself, or she may be keeping it up in order to hold onto her boyfriend. The man has a right to know the truth, but prepare yourself for the effect this may (probably will) have on your relationship with your sister.
And try to persuade your sister to get professional counselling for the way she is behaving, which is not, by far, what I would consider normal.
Dear Queenie,
My girlfriend and I are talking about getting married, but she never talks about her ex-marriage or her ex-husband and I have to wonder why they got divorced.
Queenie, would it be okay for me to ask him about it, or should I ask her if she would mind if I talk to him?I think I need to know why they got divorced.—Her present boyfriend
Dear Boyfriend,
You can expect to hear negative things about your girlfriend from her ex-husband; after all, they had their reasons for getting divorced. And your girlfriend may object to this plan, possibly with very good reason for being afraid of what you might hear. But if you are seriously concerned about what you might learn about her, go ahead and do it.
