Dear Queenie,
I’ve been going with my new girlfriend for about a month now and I’ve discovered that she lies a lot. The funny thing is, she lies about stupid things that don’t matter, and things that I am sure to find out the truth about.
Like, if we go to a new restaurant and I ask if she likes the food she says yes, but the next time I want to go there she says no, she doesn’t like the place. Or she says she is going to spend the afternoon at home, and then I meet her on the street with some other friends. Or she says she paid $20 for something and then I see the price tag and it says $25. OrI mention a book or a movie I’ve seen and she says she has seen it too, but then in the conversation it is clear that she doesn’t really know anything about it.
She’s very pretty and she has a great figure, but I don’t like the idea that I can’t trust her or that she thinks I’m so stupid as to believe her lies.
Queenie, why does she do this?— Puzzled
Dear Puzzled,
She may be a compulsive liar, which is a psychological condition that takes much therapy to overcome.
She may be a very timid person who is afraid of confrontation, so she says what she thinks the other person wants to hear, to avoid arguments.
She may feel insecure, and “fooling” other people makes her feel somehow “superior” to them.
She may simply be a deliberately deceitful person who cannot and should not be trusted.
In the first three cases, she can be helped through counselling and psychological therapy and you can help her by encouraging her to get the help she needs. You might also go for some counselling yourself, to help you understand her problem.
In the fourth case, however, I am sorry to say that she probably doesn’t want to be helped, and you are probably better off without her.
Dear Queenie,
My boyfriend and I have been going together for several years and plan to be married after we finish our education. I will be going away to school in the fall and he will follow at the end of the year.
I’ve been thinking we should get married now to be sure that being separated won’t break us up.
Queenie, do you think this is a good idea?—Uncertain
Dear Uncertain,
No, I don’t. You are still rather young to be considering a life-long commitment.
In addition, your schooling will make considerable demands on you for the next few years and being newlyweds would make considerable other demands that might conflict with your educational requirements.
Furthermore, both you and your boyfriend will probably do a lot of growing up and changing during the next few years at school. It is quite possible that one or both of you will develop new interests and become an entirely different person.
Better to stick to your original plan and wait until you finish your education before you start planning the wedding. If you still want to be married after you have graduated, I wish you all the best. On the other hand, if you find that your ideas about life together have changed, you will not be bound by marriage vows you have come to regret.
Dear Queenie,
After several unsuccessful relationships with men, I finally met one I love and want to spend the rest of my life with and we have been living together for about a year now. My 5-year-old daughter loves him too, and he says he loves us both, but he refuses to talk about marriage and says he has no intention of ever getting married.
I don’t want to break up with him because it would break my daughter’s heart and I don’t want her to grow up not trusting men and expecting them to abandon her, but I am so angry with my boyfriend about this that we fight a lot and when we do my daughter ends up in tears.
Queenie, what should I do?—Undecided
Dear Undecided,
You should have thought about this before you let your boyfriend move in with you. However, now the damage is done.
Give him some more time. It is possible that he will change his mind about marriage after you have lived together longer. If he does not, by then your daughter will be older and hopefully better able to understand and accept his leaving, if you should break up.
It is also possible that your pressing for a commitment too soon is what caused the break-up of your previous relationships. If your boyfriend decides to leave, take a break from men for a while and try to figure out why your relationships with men are so unsuccessful. Professional counselling would probably help. It would also help your daughter cope with her loss.
And when you start dating again, don’t introduce your daughter to any of your boyfriends, let alone move in with one, until you are sure the relationship will be permanent, which is to say until he makes a firm commitment and puts that ring on your finger.
Dear Queenie,
My boyfriend and I have been together for several years. His family like me and they weren’t a problem until recently.
A couple of months ago his mom and dad moved into a house just down the street from us. Since then his mother walks into our house whenever she feels like it.
We both work long hours and we like to sleep late on weekends, but she comes over first thing in the morning and if the door is locked and she doesn’t see us up and about she bangs on the door to wake us up, and if we ignore her she walks around banging on the windows.
My boyfriend has asked her to call us before she comes over, but either she “forgets” or she lets the phone ring and ring and ring and keeps calling again and again until we answer, and if we unplug it or turn it off she comes over and bangs on the door “to make sure we are all right.”
Queenie, I want to stay on good terms with her, but we want our privacy. Any suggestions?—At my wits’ end
Dear At my wits’ end,
You and your boyfriend could move to another house/apartment far enough away from his parents that his mother can’t conveniently “drop by” whenever she feels like it, but that is a rather drastic option, and you can’t keep moving away if they choose to follow you.
Arrange to have specific times when Mom is welcome to visit and let her son spell them out for her and explain that he doesn’t want her intruding on his private time with you. You might also invest in an answering machine for the phone and record a message such as, “We’re busy right now, so please call us back after (such-and-such a time) or leave a message and we’ll call you back when we are free.”
Don’t say anything to your boyfriend’s mother about her behaviour. That is up to him. If you say anything she will resent you for “coming between her and her son.” You might suggest that he discuss the problem with his father. Perhaps Dad can help keep his wife under control.
Keep your doors locked when you don’t want to see her, and let her son complain to her when she interrupts your sleep or whatever else you are doing.
If you have a fenced-in yard you might consider adopting a nice big dog or two, or three, and letting them run loose in the yard when you don’t want to be disturbed. That might discourage Mom – and other unwanted intruders – from dropping by unannounced.
Dear Queenie,
A young woman where I work is going to have a baby, but she is not married.
The women are planning a big baby shower for her, but I think she is a hypocrite and doesn’t deserve it. She has always pretended to be very religious, but there she is pregnant and no husband in sight.
Queenie, what do you say?—Church-goer
Dear Church-goer,
With no husband to help, and possibly considerable emotional trauma to cope with in regard to having a baby all alone (and possibly through no fault of her own; for example, she might have been raped) this young woman is going to need all the help she can get.
I say, “Judge not, that ye be not judged.” Also, “Let him (or her) that is without sin cast the first stone.” And finally, “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.”
You claim to be a church-goer, but you seem to have forgotten all these bits of Biblical wisdom. You also seem to have forgotten one of the basic tenets of your religion: “Love ye one another.”
