Dear Queenie,
I have a good relationship with my teenage son, but my daughter, 2 years younger, is just a brat, spoiled rotten by her father, and me too I guess. She will be going away to college in a couple of years and I would like things to be better between us before that happens.
Queenie, how can I do that?—Worried mother
Dear Mother,
As usual, I recommend professional counselling for both of you, and possibly for your husband if you can get him to go, because this relationship includes all three of you.
Dear Queenie,
My girlfriend has a big picture of her former husband (now deceased) that she keeps next to her pictures of us together and she still wears her wedding ring. I have suggested that she put the picture away, or at least move it somewhere else, but she won’t do it.
Queenie, she doesn’t think this should be a problem. What do you think?—Her new boyfriend
Dear New boyfriend,
I think your girlfriend may not have yet gotten over her husband’s death. Ask her to keep the picture somewhere else and suggest that she might want to join a grief support group. If she will not do that, or if she does and it does not help, you may want to consider whether you want to stay with her.
Dear Queenie,
My husband is retired, but has a part-time job. I have a full-time job and I work from home. I would like it for him to give me some help around the house but he won’t because he says I wouldn’t like the way he would do it. Usually I do the cooking because I like doing it. Sometimes he will make himself something to eat, but he never offers to make me anything or to share what he makes for himself with me.
Queenie, do I ask him for too much?—Angry wife
Dear Wife,
Apparently your husband is accustomed to being taken care of and catered to, and needs to learn to give you more help around the house. Ask him what he would prefer and give him a few specific things to do around the house, and if he does not do them, do not do them for him. Or, hire someone to help around the house and ask him to help you pay them.
Dear Queenie,
When I was younger I got involved with a man who turned out to be abusive and luckily I broke up with him before he hurt me badly.
Queenie, how do you know if someone is going to turn out to be like that?—Want to be prepared
Dear Want to be prepared,
A man like that will want to get involved quickly; is jealous, possessive and controlling; expects you to be perfect; tries to isolated you from family and friends and will not want you to have a phone or a car or a job; blames everyone else for their own mistakes and for hurting their feelings, which get hurt too easily; is cruel to animals; is “playfully” rough with you and verbally abusive; is sweet one minute and violent the next; probably has a history of violence, but blames someone else for it; and expects you to be submissive.
If a man exhibits any of these traits, be forewarned.
Dear Queenie,
My husband’s brother has been living with us since he graduated from university. He doesn’t have a job so he doesn’t pay rent or help pay for his food, and he doesn’t help around the house in any way, so we have given him a deadline for moving out and now he is mad at us and says we are just being cheap.
Queenie, what’s a good way to answer him?—Fed-up sister-in-law
Dear Sister-in-law,
People like your brother-in-law often refuse to admit that they are taking advantage of someone and then get angry when they cannot get their own way. Do not argue with him about all this, but do not let him coerce you into letting him stay. Tell him you are sorry, but this is the way things are.
You can offer to help him find a job to support himself, but that is the only help you should give him from now on.
