Dear Queenie,

I’ve been going with this girl since we were in high school and I gave her an engagement ring last year. Her parents like me and my parents like her and they all get upset if we have an argument.

The problem is, I don’t think I am ready to get married and I’m not sure any more that she is the one I want to marry when I am ready. I have never dated anyone but her, so how can I tell if maybe there could be someone else I would like better? But how do I break it off with her without starting a big war?

Queenie, I wish she would break up with me and be done with it, but how do I get her to do it? And how do I get my ring back? I paid a lot of money for it—Changed my mind

Dear Changed my mind,

You tell your fiancée the truth and hope she takes it well. Then you – hopefully both of you – tell your families you have called off the wedding, and why.

You don’t get the ring back unless your fiancée is feeling very generous. It isn’t your ring, it’s hers. It was a gift you gave her to mark your engagement, and she has kept her side of the bargain. By the same token, you are not required to return any gifts she has given you.

Dear Queenie,

I’ve been going with my new girlfriend for about a month now and I’ve discovered that she lies a lot. The funny thing is, she lies about stupid things that don’t matter, and things that I am sure to find out the truth about.

Like, if we go to a new restaurant and I ask if she likes the food she says yes, but the next time I want to go there she says no, she doesn’t like the place. Or she says she is going to spend the afternoon at home, and then I meet her on the street with some other friends. Or she says she paid $20 for something and then I see the price tag and it says $25. OrI mention a book or a movie I’ve seen and she says she has seen it too, but then in the conversation it is clear that she doesn’t really know anything about it.

She’s very pretty and she has a great figure, but I don’t like the idea that I can’t trust her or that she thinks I’m so stupid as to believe her lies.

Queenie, why does she do this?— Puzzled

Dear Puzzled,

She may be a compulsive liar, which is a psychological condition that takes much therapy to overcome.

She may be a very timid person who is afraid of confrontation, so she says what she thinks the other person wants to hear, to avoid arguments.

She may feel insecure, and “fooling” other people makes her feel somehow “superior” to them.

She may simply be a deliberately deceitful person who cannot and should not be trusted.

In the first three cases, she can be helped through counselling and psychological therapy and you can help her by encouraging her to get the help she needs. You might also go for some counselling yourself, to help you understand her problem.

In the fourth case, however, I am sorry to say that she probably doesn’t want to be helped, and you are probably better off without her.

Dear Queenie,

Why does everybody always blame the man if a woman gets pregnant? It’s a man’s nature to have lots of women and they are always getting pregnant on purpose so they can keep a man. The stupid fools don’t understand that just because a man sleeps with them doesn’t mean he cares about what happens after.

What about when a woman says she’s on the pill and then, oh my, she’s pregnant because she “forgot” to take it? What if a man uses a condom, but it breaks, or the woman tears a hole in it with her fingernails “accidentally”?

Queenie, be fair!—Tomcat

Dear Tomcat,

I agree with you that a woman should take her share of the responsibility for making sure she doesn’t have any children she doesn’t want and/or can’t afford to raise. In this day and age, with all the contraceptive methods available, there is no excuse for either a man or a woman to make a baby if he or she doesn’t want to.

If a man doesn’t want to take responsibility for a child, it is up to him to make sure he doesn’t get a woman pregnant “by accident.” If he leaves it totally up to a woman who may be trying to “catch” him by having his baby, he is just as much a stupid fool as you say she is.

After all, it’s a dog’s nature to have fleas and to mark his territory by urinating on it. But a dog can learn to wear a flea collar and to not make messes in the house. Are you saying a man can’t rise above “his nature” at least as much as a house-trained dog?

Dear Queenie,

My boyfriend and I have been going together for several years and plan to be married after we finish our education. I will be going away to school in the fall and he will follow at the end of the year.

I’ve been thinking we should get married now to be sure that being separated won’t break us up.

Queenie, do you think this is a good idea?—Uncertain

Dear Uncertain,

No, I don’t. You are still rather young to be considering a life-long commitment.

In addition, your schooling will make considerable demands on you for the next few years and being newlyweds would make considerable other demands that might conflict with your educational requirements.

Furthermore, both you and your boyfriend will probably do a lot of growing up and changing during the next few years at school. It is quite possible that one or both of you will develop new interests and become an entirely different person.

Better to stick to your original plan and wait until you finish your education before you start planning the wedding. If you still want to be married after you have graduated, I wish you all the best. On the other hand, if you find that your ideas about life together have changed, you will not be bound by marriage vows you have come to regret.