Dear Queenie,
The family I grew up in is what you would call dysfunctional and I’ve had two bad marriages. Now I’m divorced and doing pretty well for myself.
I can cope with problems and stress just fine. It’s peace and tranquillity that are the problem. When things are going well, all I can do is worry about what if something goes wrong. If I’m dating a great guy I worry about what if he turns out to be not so nice after all. Or what if my lease isn’t renewed and I have to find somewhere else to live, or what if I get into an accident and can’t work.
Queenie, waiting for something to go wrong is worse than coping with something that did go wrong!—Worrywart
Dear Worrywart,
You have to learn to let go of the bad times and appreciate the good ones. First, teach yourself to focus on the present, to take one day at a time.
Then, memorise what is known as the Serenity Prayer – “God, give me grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, courage to change the things which should be changed, and the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other, living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time” – and repeat it to yourself as needed.
Dear Queenie,
I’ve never had a girlfriend. Sometimes I can get a girl to go out with me once, but that’s it. After that she just wants to be friend or not even that.
I get along with girls just fine in class or in a group, but when it’s just the two of us I just can’t think of anything to say and she thinks I’m not really interested or just plain stupid.
Queenie, what’s wrong with me?—Never been kissed
Dear Never,
Apparently you are very shy and it is interfering with your social life.
Presumably you are already acquainted with any girl you ask for a date, so before you go out with her, go over in your mind all the things you know about her. Then, when you are with her, do not try to find witty things to say, just ask her questions about herself and things you know she is interested in. Pay her a compliment. Talk about a class you are both in, or one she is in that you find interesting.
Do not be afraid to admit that you are nervous, especially on a first date. Some girls will find this cute, or at least will be sympathetic, and will try to help you relax. The ones who do not probably are not worth your time anyway.
And you would be surprised to learn how many girls also are nervous on a first date.
Dear Queenie,
My best friend is getting married and asked me to be her maid of honour and I accepted. The problem is that she has had to change her wedding date and the new date is the same date my boyfriend and I were going to go on vacation together and he says she should change her wedding date again to one that doesn’t interfere with our plans and he’ll never forgive me if I change my plans with him for her sake.
I happen to know he can change his vacation time easily if he does so well in advance and there is still time to do so and we hadn’t made any reservations yet, so what is the problem? But he says my promise to him should be more important to my promise to her.
Queenie, do you think he is right?—Caught between the two of them
Dear Caught,
Changing all the arrangements that go with a wedding – venue reservation, caterer, etc., etc. – and asking all the other guests to change their plans also is a lot more complicated than two people changing their plans for a vacation they have not even booked yet.
Your boyfriend is making an unreasonable demand and if you let him get away with it he will continue to try to control you. You will have to decide whether you are willing to let him get away with this kind of behaviour, and whether you are even willing to stay with him given what you now know about him.
Dear Queenie,
It’s getting close to the holidays and my relatives are starting to ask me what my kids want for Christmas. Every year they give the kids so many toys and things and sometimes several of them get the same thing so that the kids have 2 or even 3 of the same toys.
I know I can donate the duplicates to one of those charity drives for the less fortunate but it seems like an awful waste of time and money, not to mentions the things the kids wanted that they didn’t get because they got 2 of something else instead.
Queenie, do you have any suggestions?—Overwhelmed
Dear Overwhelmed,
Make a list of the things the children would like to get for Christmas and have each of your relatives pick something from that list. Make sure to mark off the items that have been selected already to prevent duplication.
You might also include on the list some less tangible items, like special outings the child would enjoy: an afternoon at a sporting event; lunch or dinner at a restaurant that caters to children, like Burger King or McDonald’s, or perhaps a picnic; taking the child along on a community service event like a beach cleanup; or some kind of learning experience like a dance or music lesson. The adults can give the children “vouchers” for such items, to be redeemed at a later date.
Dear Queenie,
My brother came out as being gay a couple of years ago and our parents were terribly upset. At first they wouldn’t even speak to him but eventually they softened up and began to treat him like they did before, but they never talk to him about his social life or say anything about him being gay.
Recently I found out they have changed their wills and are leaving everything to me and my sister and nothing for him because he is gay. My sister and I think this is terrible and have tried to talk to them about it, but they won’t even discuss it.
Queenie, how can we get them to change their minds?—Angry sister
Dear Sister,
I doubt you can persuade these homophobes to change their minds, but I encourage you to keep on trying. And of course, once your parents are gone they cannot stop you and your sister from sharing your inheritance with your brother. Fair is fair, after all.
And before any of you lawyers start lecturing me on inheritance laws in St. Maarten, let me remind you that some (many, I hope) of my faithful readers live in other places with different laws.
