Dear Queenie,
My father is an abusive bully with a very bad temper and my mother walked out and divorced him years ago and wouldn’t let us children see him for fear of what he might do to us if he got mad at us.
Now our father’s father, our grandfather, is making 100 years and our uncle, his other son, is throwing a big party for him and the whole family is invited, including us, and we are planning to go. If our father is there we will be polite and keep away from him.
But, Queenie, what do we do if he gets mad and makes some kind of scene?—Worried son
Dear Son,
Keep away from him and, if he even looks like he is going to do physical harm to anyone or anything, call the police, because that would be a crime in progress. Who knows? It might even be a wake-up call for your father to start learning to control himself better.
Dear Queenie,
I used to be good friends with my next-door neighbour, but then she started flirting with my husband. We both told her to stop and she did, but I can’t go back to being friends with her, it just isn’t the same anymore.
The thing is, our children are still friends and play together all the time so I can’t avoid seeing her and she seems to think things are back the way they used to be.
Queenie, am I being mean? If not, how do I get it across to her that things aren’t the same anymore?—Fed up
Dear Fed up,
You are not being mean. And, if necessary, just tell her straight out (but without anger if you can manage it), “Sorry, after what you did we aren’t friends anymore.”
Dear Queenie,
I just can’t get my husband to go to the doctor for a check-up. He says he feels fine and the doctor is only for when you are sick. But even when he doesn’t feel well he won’t go, he just says it’s not anything big and he’ll get over it in a couple of days.
Queenie, why does he refuse to ever see a doctor and how can I get him to see how important it is?—Worried wife
Dear Wife,
This refusal to go to the doctor may be related to men’s refusal to ask for directions when they are lost. Whatever the reason for this attitude, it is part of the reason men’s life expectancy is shorter than women’s.
You cannot physically drag your husband to the doctor’s office, but maybe – maybe – if you offer to go with him and hold his hand throughout the visit you can persuade him to go. Other than that, cross your fingers and pray he stays healthy!
Dear Queenie,
An older woman who is a friend of mine has been a mentor and like a mother to me. She has helped me through some bad times in my relationship with my married boyfriend, which she doesn’t approve of, and when I decided to break up with him she gave me her full support.
But I just couldn’t stick to my decision and now she is turning away from me and giving me the “cold shoulder.”
Queenie, I feel so alone without support!—Young friend
Dear Friend,
Your “mother figure” disapproved of your relationship to begin with and now apparently she is fed up with your inability to stick to your decision to end it. If you are lucky and find it within yourself to end this relationship of which she (and I) disapproves, perhaps you will be able to patch things up with her. But as for the relationship with your boyfriend, you should end it for your own sake, not for hers.
Dear Queenie,
Everyone in my family thinks my sister’s husband is just about perfect and I did too until I saw him in a restaurant with another woman and they were acting like they were more than just co-workers or casual friends.
I feel awful knowing what I saw, but I would feel worse if telling her would break up their marriage.
Queenie, should I tell my sister what I saw?—Ambivalent
Dear Ambivalent,
How would you feel if your positions were reversed? Would you want your sister to tell you what she saw? If you would, tell your sister (tactfully) what you saw. It might actually help to save their marriage.
