Dear Queenie,
When someone gets divorced their former spouse is referred to as their “ex”-husband or -wife. But what do you say when the person died? It seems wrong to talk about their “dead” husband or wife. So what do you say?—Verbal Etty Ket
Dear Etty Ket,
The common way to refer to any person who died is “late” – “the late Mr. or Mrs. So-and-so,” my (or her or his) “late” husband or wife or parent or sibling or child or whoever.
Dear Queenie,
My husband got upset about the fact that he is getting old and he had an affair with a woman who was married 3 times and cheated on all of her husbands. Now he is living with her and her teenage kids.
I have filed for divorce but he is not cooperating. He cancels legal appointments and even asked me not to go on with the divorce. He says he wants us to get back together and fix things up, but I think it’s about the money, because he’s still living with that other woman.
Queenie, should I give him another chance?—Undecided
Dear Undecided,
Tell your husband he cannot “have his cake and eat it too.” If he leaves the other woman and if you can forgive him, give him what you make clear is his very last chance. If both these conditions are not met, let him go.
Dear Queenie,
A friend of mine is married and when we get together for drinks or whatever she spends most of the time complaining about the problems she has with her husband. It just gets to be too much, and sometimes I can hardly keep from pointing out to her that some of the problems she brings on herself by the way she behaves and the way she treats him.
Queenie, how can I get her to talk about something else?—Bored friend
Dear Friend,
You can try to change the subject, but I suspect you have already taken that approach with little success.
Do what I do with people who write to me about such problems: Tell her you are not equipped to help her deal with these problems, not interested in hearing about them any more (I do not say that last part!), and she should seek professional counselling.
Dear Queenie,
My husband and I have been thru Hell in 2017 with my young adult daughter and her psychotic boyfriend.
He is abusive, sneaky, controlling and can't seem to find a job for a whole year. He uses the two-month-old baby as his passport to her. He apologises every time to us, only to repeat the same crap all the time, from threats to unlawful entry, trespassing on the roof to her bedroom window, to hijacking her car, you name it. I have the 2017 record for 911 calls.
All of that happened, yet my daughter still finds her way back to this jerk. It is the grace of God why I am preventing my husband from taking him out.
Queenie, what more does it take for her to wake up and walk away?—Exhausted mother
Dear Mother,
Has it occurred to you that the reason your daughter stays with “this jerk” is that he has threatened her and/or her baby with physical harm if she even tries to break up with him?
However, I think you also have another problem if your husband is voicing threats against your daughter’s boyfriend. And if he is, and he often talks like this when he is angry about anything, it could be at least part of the reason your daughter is so accepting of her boyfriend’s behaviour – she could have come to consider her relationship with him perfectly normal.
As I told “Worried grandmother” on Monday, January 8, Safe Haven (office 9277; 24-hour hotline number: 9333 or (721) 523-6400; e-mail address This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or Facebook: SafeHavenSt.Maarten) can give you and your daughter advice and assistance in dealing with an abusive relationship.
Dear Queenie,
I’ve heard a lot of mother-in-law jokes and read a lot of letters in advice columns complaining about mothers-in-law – and now my daughter is expecting her boyfriend to ask her to marry him.
Queenie, do you have any advice how I can avoid becoming the butt of another joke or letter to you?—Girlfriend’s mother
Dear Mother,
First and foremost, when (if) the happy couple tell you their good news, do not ask your daughter if she is pregnant.
Do not let the thought that your daughter might have done better cross your mind, let alone saying it out loud.
When you are making preparations for the wedding, do not squabble with the groom’s family over details.
And, when grandmotherhood time arrives, remember how much you hated outside advice on how to raise your children and do not offer your daughter and her husband any advice unless they ask for it – and even then keep it low-key (a suggestion, not “do what I tell you”).
