Dear Queenie,
When my husband is mad at me he says I should remember everything he does for me and he starts telling me each and every little thing, but when I try to answer with all the things I do for him I’m so upset I can’t think of them all.
Anyway, Queenie, why should I have to remind him of all that?—Annoyed wife
Dear Wife,
You should not have to remind him, and you should not have to think of them when you are being scolded.
Some time when you are alone and unprovoked, sit down and make a written (or typed) detailed list of everything you do for your husband. For example, not just “keep house,” but “make the bed, dust, sweep, laundry, cook, wash dishes, shop for groceries, etc., etc., etc.”
Then make a lot of copies, and the next time your husband starts one of his tirades, hand him a copy and ask him, “What about everything I do for you?”
Dear Queenie,
Why do people who are getting divorced, or just having an argument, try to get everyone else to take sides and agree with them, even if the subject under discussion (especially a divorce) has nothing to do with anyone else?
Queenie, I just don’t understand why adults act this way.—Bewildered
Dear Bewildered,
They do it to get “moral support” and to try to prove that they are right and to punish the other party by isolating him or her from the group or. especially in cases of acrimonious divorce, from the family.
And, adults do this because adults do not always behave like adults.
Dear Queenie,
I got married in Colombia last year and only my parents and brother and sisters came to the wedding. We received lots of nice presents from my wife’s family but only one from any of my relatives. My wife thinks they are a bunch of selfish stingy people she doesn’t want to know.
I have been at several of my cousins’ weddings and I know they received plenty of nice gifts from family members.
Queenie, how can I get my wife not to hate my family?—The Bridegroom
Dear Bridegroom,
Did you send these relatives invitations to your wedding? If not, they had no obligation to send gifts. And even if you did invite them, the fact that they did not (or could not) attend may have made them feel no such obligation.
It is also possible that they may disapprove of your wife for some reason. Perhaps your parents can enlighten you – or find out, if they do not already know.
Then you will know what, if anything, you can do to make things better between them and your wife.
Dear Queenie,
My husband and I have been married for 30 years and he just doesn’t talk to me anymore. He’ll sit there watching sports or politics on TV or reading a book or the newspaper and act like I’m not even there. He likes to chat with other people but not with me.
Queenie, how can I get him to notice me?—Ignored wife
Dear Wife,
People, especially couples, who spend most of their time together sometimes find that neither of them has anything new to say – “same old same old” – so they just do not talk to each other.
Find some new interests or activities apart from your husband so you will not feel so isolated and will have new things to talk about.
And, you might want to consider professional counselling, with your husband if you can persuade him to go, or by yourself if he will not.
Dear Queenie,
When someone gets divorced their former spouse is referred to as their “ex”-husband or -wife. But what do you say when the person died? It seems wrong to talk about their “dead” husband or wife. So what do you say?—Verbal Etty Ket
Dear Etty Ket,
The common way to refer to any person who died is “late” – “the late Mr. or Mrs. So-and-so,” my (or her or his) “late” husband or wife or parent or sibling or child or whoever.
