Dear Queenie,
I know that when a man and a woman go out on a date the man is expected to pay, but these days, what with women working outside the home and all, lots of women make as much money as the man does and sometimes even more.
Queenie, is that fair? But how can a man suggest going (excuse the expression) Dutch without making a bad impression?—Realistic about dating
Dear Realistic,
In my opinion, dating should be like hosting a party – the person who does the inviting should expect to pay. However, I realise that I am in a very small minority in this respect.
It never would make a bad impression for the woman to offer to “go Dutch” (pick up half of the cost). However, a man would do well to wait until he knows his date (and something about her financial circumstances) fairly well to even consider making this suggestion – unless, of course, for some reason she is expecting to pay the whole tab, in which case he makes himself look good.
Meanwhile, it is a good idea to arrange to do things together that are not a strain on your finances (or your date’s, for that matter).
Dear Queenie,
My sister married a man who had a daughter from a previous marriage. This girl has never been close to any of our family, in fact she mostly ignores all of us – until now she is pregnant we have all received invitations to a baby shower for her.
Queenie, do we have to go? And if we don’t, should we still send her presents?—Baby shower Etty Ket
Dear Etty Ket,
You are never obligated to attend an event just because you have been invited. An invitation is a request for the pleasure of your company, not a command performance (unless maybe it comes from the Queen of England). And, you are not obliged to send a gift for a shower you will not attend.
However, it would be kind of you to send at least a small gift for the baby, especially if the parents are not financially well-off.
Dear Queenie,
My brother married my best friend and I was maid-of-honour at their wedding. That was about 5 years ago.
The other night I was eating at a restaurant and I saw my brother there with another woman, not his wife, and they were sitting at the bar kissing each other.
The next day I told my brother what I had seen and he admitted he’d been seeing this other woman for almost as long as he’s been married but he begged me not to tell his wife, who is still my best friend.
Queenie, should I tell her or not?—Caught between them
Dear Caught,
It is bad enough that your brother is cheating on his wife. He has no right to ask you to be complicit in this wrongdoing, even if you are his sister.
Your best friend/sister-in-law may already know about this. After all, this is a small island and your brother was out in public with this other woman and apparently making no attempt to hide their relationship. And if your sister does not know, she might never forgive you for not telling her.
Tell your brother you are not going to keep his secret and give him a reasonable period of time to come clean with his wife. Give him a specific deadline, after which you will tell her.
Dear Queenie,
I met this guy at a party and he seemed like someone I’d like to really get to know, but we only talked to each other in a group and he never asked me for my number. I don’t know if he is shy or just not interested or was afraid I’d turn him down in front of all those other people.
Queenie, do you think I should get his number or e-mail address from one of our mutual friends and try to contact him?—Lady in waiting
Dear Lady,
Of course, there is no reason he could not get your contact information the way you suggest and give you a call or e-mail. But then too, as you also suggest, he may be afraid of being turned down.
He is probably on Facebook. Try sending him a personal note – not a “friend” request! – saying you enjoyed talking to him and asking if he would like to get together some time for a drink or a snack. If he does not respond, you will know he is just not interested, so let it go at that.
Dear Queenie,
If you give someone a season pass to Carnival or some other series of events, shouldn’t you expect them to use it for all the events? Otherwise it is just wasted money!
Queenie, what do you have to say?—Disappointed donor
Dear Donor,
I say a gift, once given, belongs to the recipient to use, or not use, as he or she sees fit. If there are conditions attached to the gift they should be made clear at the moment of giving so that the recipient has the opportunity to refuse to accept them.
In this case, why not buy the pass for the whole group (your family, I suspect) and arrange among you who will use the pass for which event(s)?
