Dear Queenie,
My wife died several years ago. A couple of years later a good friend of mine died and a few months ago his widow and I started dating. I have always been fond of her and after she told me she was falling in love with me we became serious and I invited her to move in with me.
We are happy together, but I want us to get married. I think it would be more respectful of her and I would feel better about it socially speaking, even though I know it is nothing these days for unmarried people to live together.
I have asked her several times to marry me. At first she said she wasn’t ready to remarry. Then she told me she had promised her husband on his deathbed that she would always be faithful to him and would not marry again.
I was always taught that marriage was “until death do you part” and the vows ended when one spouse died. I want to be married and have a life with this woman, but I’m beginning to wonder about her.
Queenie, am I being too old-fashioned?—Widower
Dear Widower,
Marriage and being willing to make that commitment will never be “old-fashioned”, no matter how common alternative lifestyles become. Most women would find your attitude charming and possibly irresistible.
There are several possibilities. One is that your lady friend has not yet recovered from the loss of her first husband and, as she says, is just not ready to make a lifetime commitment to you.
She might also be reluctant or even afraid to break the deathbed promise she made to her first husband. Here I must suggest that if he had really loved her, he would have wanted her to find happiness after he was gone and wouldn’t have asked her to make such a promise.
Another possibility is that she was not happy in her first marriage and is therefore reluctant to risk making a serious commitment to you.
Still another is that she is enjoying the independence of widowhood and does not want to give it up. Even though she is willing to live with you, she may still want to retain the freedom to leave if she finds someone she likes better.
You will have to decide whether and how long you are willing to wait for her to “tie the knot” with you.
Dear Queenie,
My friends and I started high school this year. We have been friends since we were in first grade, but some of them don’t seem so friendly anymore. They have made some new friends in high school and don’t seem to have time for us old ones.
I have made some new friends too, but I don’t want to lose the old ones. I would like us all to be friends and do things together.
Queenie, why can’t the old friends and the new friends all be friends with each other?—Teenager
Dear Teenager,
Probably some of you can. But not everyone shares the same interests, and people’s interests change as they grow older. You will find this happening all your life.
Try to get to know your old friends’ new friends and introduce your new friends to your old friends. Some of them will become friends with each other and some won’t. It’s a fact of life.
If you want to stay friends with everybody, you will have to learn to budget your time so that you spend some of it with each of them and don’t shut anyone out. And hope that your friends are able to do the same.
Dear Queenie,
I’ve been dating a guy who is separated from his wife and in the process of getting a divorce. I’ve made dinner for him and let him stay overnight with me, given him a few small gifts and even hinted that he’d be welcome to move in with me, but he just eats the food, stays the night, thanks me for the gifts and then goes home.
Queenie, what’s the matter with him? Why doesn’t he realize I’m not like her and I won’t break his heart?—Lonely
Dear Lonely,
First, this man is still married and not in a position to make any commitments until his divorce is final. If he is really getting a divorce, that is. Are you certain about that, or could he just be feeding you a line?
Second, you are giving him too much too soon, unless you have been dating him for longer than you imply. And if you have been seeing him since before he and his wife separated, he may see you as a home-wrecker who can’t be trusted.
As far as that goes, are he and his wife separated? Or are they still living together while the divorce is in process? If it’s the latter, that should give you a clue as to whether the divorce is a fact, or just bait he is using to string you along.
Finally, if his marriage really has broken up, he may not yet have gotten over the trauma of the split, in which case he wants sympathy and comforting (among other things), but is probably not yet ready to make a new commitment and may not be ready to do so for a looooong time to come, if ever. The old expression “once burned, twice shy” often applies in such cases.
Dear Queenie,
Some time ago there were pornographic pictures of a local girl going around on the Internet. Now it is a girl in another island.
I can understand it happening in big countries like the U.S. and in Europe where kids run away from home all the time and live homeless on the streets and become prostitutes to live. But on these small islands there is always family or relatives or someone they can turn to.
Queenie, what is the matter with these children?—Perplexed
Dear Perplexed,
I have a better question: What is the matter with their parents?
Why haven’t they taught their daughters some simple self-respect? Why haven’t they warned them that private matters all too often become the subject of public gossip, especially on these small islands?
And why, oh why, haven’t they exercised more supervision over their daughters’ comings and goings, and the people with whom they associate?
Dear Queenie,
My 14-year-old daughter wants to start dating but I don’t think she’s ready. But she goes out anyway, even when I forbid her, and she won’t tell me where she’s going or call home to let me know she’s okay.
One time she didn’t come home at all after school and around midnight I got so worried I called the police. When she came home she said she was doing homework with a friend.
The next time she did this I called around to her friends and found out she was with a certain boy and when she came home and I yelled at her she said the next time she would just stay all night with him even though I forbid her to see him at all.
Queenie, I don’t know what to do. Help!—Distraught mother
Dear Distraught mother,
Your daughter is going to get herself into big trouble if she keeps on this way. It appears you have no control over her and no idea how to communicate with her. I would say counselling is in order for both of you. Talk to her school counsellor or the Women’s Desk for a referral.
Meanwhile, I hope you have had a serious talk with her about the facts of life, especially the dangers of unprotected sex. If you don’t know what to tell her, consult your gynaecologist.
In fact, a visit to the gynaecologist for your daughter would be in order. Because you suspect she is having sex with this boy, she should be examined and tested for HIV and other STDs. At the same time, the doctor can explain to her whatever you haven’t, and emphasise what you have told her already.
Finally, how old is this “boy” she is seeing? Your daughter is under the age of consent, which means he could be guilty of statutory rape, especially if he is much older than she is. A talk with the police might also be in order.
