Dear Queenie,
My whole family has been on the outs with one of my father’s sisters for years. She came to my grandmother’s (her mother’s) funeral and I happened to be sitting next to her and I spoke to her just to be polite and we ended up chatting for a few minutes.
Now my father is mad at me for talking to her at all even though I was just being polite. After all, it was her mother’s funeral.
Queenie, was I wrong to talk to her?—Funeral Etty Ket
Dear Etty Ket,
No, you were not wrong. In fact, as an adult, you have the right to decide for yourself whom you will be “on the outs with” and when to be polite or rude.
I am glad you chose courtesy over rudeness at your grandmother’s funeral – or any funeral, for that matter.
Dear Queenie,
I live next door to people who smoke all the time. They sit on their veranda or stand in the yard smoking and toss their cigarette butts onto my driveway and into my yard.
It’s very annoying to have to pick up someone else’s trash that they could just as easily have thrown down on their own yard or even into a trash can, but I can’t just leave the butts there for my small children and our pets to find and maybe chew on.
Queenie, I don’t want to start a fight with my neighbors, but maybe I should talk to them about this. What do you say?—Smoking mad
Dear Smoking mad,
If you can put up a fairly high fence or plant a hedge between your yard and your neighbours’ property, do so. If they complain, explain that it is to keep your small children safely enclosed. No need to get into the subject of the discarded butts unless they start throwing them over the fence/hedge, in which case you will know they are deliberately messing up your yard, which is a whole other problem.
Dear Queenie,
I could be the relative “Un-appreciated gift-giver” (Monday, November 12) was talking about. No matter how many times I tell them I already have everything I need or want and no room to store anything more, my family still insists on giving me more stuff. And I am very well-off as far as money is concerned, so I don’t want them spending money they might need themselves, or giving it to me.
I appreciate the fact that they think of me on special occasions, but not the things they give me that I don’t want to be bothered with.
Queenie, what can I say or do so they will get the message?—Un-appreciative gift-recipient
Dear Gift-recipient,
Tell them what you have told me here.
Then, if they still want to give you something, ask them to use the money to make a donation to your favourite charity or community service organisation in your name. If they give you cash or a cheque or a gift certificate, thank them sweetly and tell them what organisation you will donate it to. If a gift certificate is non-transferable, you can redeem it yourself and donate the results.
In any event, be sure to thank them sweetly. It is the thought that counts, is it not?
Dear Queenie,
My husband can’t keep his mouth shut when I am driving. He is constantly telling me I am going too fast, too close to the car ahead of us, look out for that person waiting to cross the street, etc., etc, etc.
I passed my driving test just fine years ago and I have never been in an accident.
Queenie, how can I get him to shut up and let me drive in peace?—Harassed driver
Dear Harassed driver,
For starters, slow down and keep farther behind the car in front of you.
Then, if he keeps harassing you, pull over the first safe chance you get and offer to let him drive.
If he will not drive (or cannot because he does not have a driver’s licence for some reason), tell him – at a moment when you are not driving or when the car is stopped for some reason – how distracting his instructions are and that if you get into an accident it will be his fault for taking your attention away from driving the car safely.
Dear Queenie,
My mother-in-law gave my son some nice gifts for his birthday. Now she wants one of them back because she wants to give it to the child of a friend of hers. She says she will give my son something else to replace it.
My son loves the gift she wants back and plays with it all the time, but my mother-in-law will be angry if I don’t give it back to her.
Queenie, what should I do?—Disgusted dad
Dear Dad,
Tell your mother-in-law she can offer your son the idea of trading the gift she wants for something he likes better. If he accepts the offer, okay.
However, if he does not accept the idea, tell your mother-in-law the answer to her request is “NO.”
And, I do not understand why m-i-l does not just go out and buy an identical gift for her friend’s child.
