Dear Queenie,
My 14-year-old daughter keeps pestering her father and me to let her start dating. I keep telling her she is too young, but you can’t tell a teenager anything these days.
I remember when I was dating and all the boys were only after one thing and they would do anything to get it, and I was older than she is now and I wasn’t ready to handle it.
Queenie, how can I keep her safe?—Protective mother
Dear Protective mother,
You can’t, not entirely. Trying to “lock her up and throw away the key” certainly isn’t the way. That will only make her rebellious, which could lead her into real trouble.
The best you can do for her is to make sure she knows all about sex, where babies come from and the dangers of STDs. Such knowledge will not encourage her to experiment, as many parents fear, but will empower her to cope with what life and teenage boys – and older men too – may throw at her.
And after you have had the “birds and bees” talk with her, both you and your husband should sit down with her and give her a thorough lesson on the lines and other tricks boys and men will use on her to try to get what they want, and how to resist them.
She especially should know the truth about such myths as “you can’t get pregnant the first time” and “you can’t get pregnant if we do it standing up” and all the other old wives’ tales that have led young girls straight into more trouble than they could handle.
Your husband should be in on this lesson because he can speak from experience and give her a man’s point of view, which should be very enlightening!
“Knowledge is power,” so they say, and “Forewarned is forearmed.”
Dear Queenie,
I am writing you because I am curious to know if I can be pregnant or not. My boyfriend and I had sex the day before my period and the day after. On both occasions he came inside of me more than once.
A friend told me that you won’t get pregnant unless you have sex two weeks before your period and the boy comes inside of you.
Queenie, I really want to know if what she is saying is true and if there is a slight possibility that I am pregnant or a big possibility.—Just curious
Dear Just curious,
There is always a possibility of becoming pregnant if you have unprotected sex. Your friend is probably thinking of a birth control method known as the “rhythm system” that depends on knowing what are your most fertile days and not having sex on those days.
However, the rhythm system is notoriously unreliable, as it is possible to become pregnant on other days than your most fertile ones. In fact, there is a joke that the medical term for a woman who uses the rhythm system is “mother.”
Furthermore, leaving aside the question of possible pregnancy, having unprotected sex is always dangerous because of the possibility of becoming infected with HIV and/or other sexually transmitted diseases (STDs).
You apparently have a lot to learn about the way your body functions. Ask your doctor or the Women’s Desk for information about safe sex, pregnancy and STDs. And until you do, don’t have sex!
Dear Queenie,
I’m in the middle of getting a divorce and I’ve fallen in love with the man of my dreams. He says he loves me too, but there’s one problem.
He’s my sister’s ex-husband.
Queenie, is it okay for us to get married?—Ex-sister-in-law
Dear Ex-sister-in-law,
It’s not okay for you to marry him until your own divorce is final.
After that, it depends on several factors. How does your sister feel about her ex? If she never wants to see him again, your marrying him would certainly cause some estrangement between you and her. It would also make things difficult for the rest of the family whenever a family gathering was planned.
Are there young children involved, either yours or your sister’s? Again, this could cause some confusion, at the very least.
On the other hand, if everyone involved, children included, is reasonably mature, it might be possible for you to make this work. But be very certain that you really love this man and are not just “on the rebound” from the break-up of your own marriage.
Also, a quiet conversation with your sister might be in order here. For one thing, you could learn how she would feel about your marrying her ex. You might also learn a few things about him that would make you think twice about the whole thing.
Dear Queenie,
I’m 17 and my girlfriend is 14. A couple of weeks ago we were alone in her house having sex and her parents came in early and caught us. They kicked me out and I went home.
The next day they called my parents and said we had to get married. I told my parents I wouldn’t marry her. It’s not as if she was pregnant or anything. My parents are mad at me and my girlfriend’s parents won’t even let me talk to her.
We go to different schools so I haven’t seen her since then, so I don’t know if she’s mad at me too.
Queenie, do you think I should marry her?—Schoolboy
Dear Schoolboy,
No! I think both of you are too young to get married.
I am sure your (ex)girlfriend’s parents think she is too young to get married. They were probably trying to shock you into realising the possible consequences of what you were doing.
Consider yourself lucky they didn’t file a complaint of rape against you for having sex with their underage daughter. You could have gone to prison for it, and you wouldn’t have been able to say you wouldn’t go.
Dear Queenie,
Some months ago I told my husband if he didn’t stop drinking I was going to divorce him. I also stopped going anywhere with him when he was drinking because he would always insist on driving and I was scared to be in the car with him, and I told him he couldn’t take the children anywhere when he was drinking for the same reason.
He said he would stop drinking, but now I find out that he is still drinking when I’m not around, but he bribes the children not to tell me.
His mother says I can’t kick him out and stop the children from seeing him because it wouldn’t be fair to deprive them of a good father and I have to admit that he is a good father except for the drinking.
Queenie, what else can I do?—Drinking man’s wife
Dear Drinking man’s wife,
A “good father” doesn’t endanger his children’s lives by taking them in the car with him when he has been drinking. A “good father” doesn’t do things behind his wife’s back that he has promised her he won’t do, and then bribe his children to lie to her about what he has been doing.
Ask your mother-in-law whether she is willing to risk seeing her grandchildren crippled or dead in an auto accident rather than deprive them of a father who drinks and drives, lies about it, and bribes them to keep his lies a secret.
Then consult a lawyer.
It is possible that the shock of having you actually take action will persuade your husband to do something about his drinking. I hope so, for your sake and your children’s. If he shapes up, all well and good, but even so, both of you are going to need a lot of help.
I don’t know if there is a local chapter of Al-Anon, the support organisation for relatives of alcoholics, but the local chapter of Alcoholics Anonymous will be able to tell you. The Women’s Desk can also help you find support in what is going to be a trying time.
