Dear Queenie,
My husband’s parents and brothers and sisters always seem to be broke, or at least short of money, and they always come to my husband for a “loan” that they never get around to paying back.
A few of them have jobs and can support themselves and still always seem to need more money, but the others depend on us and on government assistance and charity.
My husband has a good job and earns a good living and he says we are blessed to be able to help them out. I say they should try harder to help themselves. Maybe if he didn’t give them money when they ask for it, the ones without jobs would actually start looking for work.
As it is, we do not live as well as we could if my husband were not helping his family so much.
Queenie, am I being too stingy?—Fed-up wife
Dear Wife,
Generosity may be a good thing, but it can become a fault if carried to an extreme. Your husband is not doing his family members any favour by helping them out so much that they have no incentive to become financially independent of him.
Perhaps you and he together can set up a budget that includes a specific amount that he can use to help out his family and when that is used up he will just have to say “no” to any requests for any kind of financial assistance – including co-signing a loan or being in any way responsible for credit-card payments.
Dear Queenie,
My husband and I hosted several family get-togethers over the holidays. Most of our guest came all dressed up, but one relative showed up in his work clothes – jeans and a not-too-clean T-shirt.
Queenie, would it be alright for us to tell him to dress better in the future, or not to let him in if he is so badly dressed?—Insulted
Dear Insulted,
It is possible your relative had to come to your get-together direct from his work and did not have time to change his clothes. Nevertheless, he could have taken more appropriate clothes with him to work and changed in a restroom before going to your event.
It is perfectly acceptable to include a dress code in whatever invitations you issue for these events. Or you could mention to him – gently – that you would appreciate it if he would dress a little better the next time.
Dear Queenie,
One of the women in our club likes to entertain, like singing and dancing, when we have a fund-raising event. The problem is, she is rather plump and has no talent whatsoever.
We think she makes herself look foolish, but we don’t want to hurt her feelings.
Queenie, how should we handle this?—Member of the audience
Dear Audience member,
Your friend enjoys performing and should be able to judge by the reaction of the others in the audience how they like her performance. Say nothing, and try to enjoy (or endure) her performances along with the rest of the audience.
Dear Queenie,
My husband never does anything all the way. He leaves his jacket on a chair next to the coat closet or on the doorknob instead of hanging it up in the closet. He takes the trash out and leaves it on the ground next to the bin instead of putting it into the bin.
Queenie, what’s his problem? And how do I deal with it?—Frustrated wife
Dear Wife,
Apparently your husband is either easy to distract or just plain lazy.
You can either complete these tasks for him or remind him what still needs to be done and hope he does it. Either way, I wish you good luck – and patience!
Dear Queenie,
My mother and her sister had a big argument many years ago and since then her sister won’t have anything to do with my mom. All of the family agrees that it was the sister’s fault, but my mom is still upset about the whole thing after all these years.
She has developed high blood pressure and an ulcer and we are worried that she might have a stroke, but she can’t seem to let go of this quarrel even though it is ruining her health.
Queenie, how can we help her?—Worried daughter
Dear Daughter,
Part of her problem probably is that your mother still loves her sister and cannot stop hoping to reconcile with her, but that does not seem likely.
Professional counselling might help her deal with it; if not a medical/psychiatric counsellor, perhaps her pastor if your mother is of a religious frame of mind.
