Dear Queenie,
After my mother got divorced she got together with a man no one in our family can stand. He was abusive to me and my brother, but only when Mom wasn’t around and when we told her about it she didn’t do anything.
Mom died some years ago but that man still wants to be part of our life. He keeps calling me and dropping in to visit.
He has children and grandchildren of his own but he doesn’t have anything to do with them, I guess since he divorced their mother.
Queenie, how do I get this man to leave me and my family alone?—Don’t like him
Dear Don’t like him,
This man apparently thinks of himself as your stepfather and still part of your family.
When he calls, keep the conversation short, or don’t answer at all if you have caller ID and know he is the caller. Insist he call before he drops in to visit, and do not let him in if he has not called or if you do not want to see him. When you do see him, keep the visit brief and make sure there is a third party there who can keep him under control if necessary.
Dear Queenie,
My husband and I are good friends with some neighbors who have 2 small children. We like the parents a lot, except that they keep asking us if we will babysit their children for an afternoon or an evening.
They know we would be good at it because they have met our children who are all grown up now and have turned out very well and occasionally they see us taking care of our grandchildren, but we don’t do that often because we are getting older and we are glad to be done with all that.
Queenie, how do we get the neighbors to stop asking us to babysit without being rude?—Happy empty nester
Dear Empty Nester,
You just keep saying “no” when they ask you. You do not have to give them any reason or excuse, just keep saying “no” as politely as you can manage, as often as you have to. Eventually they will get the message – hopefully.
Dear Queenie,
When I was little my family used to spend Christmas Day opening presents and watching TV and having a special dinner. This year my parents slept until noon, handed me some money and sent out for pizza.
I thanked them for the money but it hurt my feelings that they didn’t take the trouble to go out and buy something they thought I would like.
Queenie, now my birthday is coming up and I am wondering if I should say something to them about making more of a celebration out of it. What do you think?—Unhappy birthday girl
Dear Birthday girl,
Do not complain to your parents about the way they spent Christmas this year, but do ask them why things have changed and listen carefully – and thoughtfully – to their answer.
Dear Queenie,
My daughter is married to a man who constantly contradicts her. Whatever she says, he says no, it is the opposite. And when it comes to the children he is no help at all, he says he is too busy, even if all he is doing is watching TV or talking on the phone.
He won’t let her come to my house to visit because he says she might get in an accident, so if I want to see her I have to go to their house.
Queenie, how can I make things better for her?—Worried mother
Dear Mother,
What you are describing are control issues, the tricks abusers use to make their victims feel incompetent, helpless and dependent on the abuser for everything.
The best thing you can do for your daughter is to encourage her to find the inner strength to stand up to her abuser, to leave him if necessary, and let her know you are ready to help her whenever she needs it.
Dear Queenie,
My husband doesn’t mind for me to spend time away from home with my friends during the day, but he says dinnertime and the evening and the weekend are supposed to be for family and I should stay home with him.
He also is suspicious of what we are doing when I go out with my friends.
Most of my friends have jobs and I also work part-time, so the evening or the weekend is the only time we can do anything together.
Queenie, I don’t think this should be a problem. Do you?—Uncertain wife
Dear Wife,
That depends on how often you leave your husband alone to spend time with your friends, but he seems to be somewhat insecure and controlling, to say the least.
If you cannot work this out with him by talking it over with him, perhaps a professional marriage counsellor could help him understand your point of view, if you can persuade your husband to go with you for counselling. And if he will not go with you, go by yourself for help in understanding your situation and learning to cope with your husband’s attitude.
