Dear Queenie,
My father’s new wife (my stepmother) says terrible things about his former wife (my mother) and her family and when anyone tells him about it he gets mad and says we’re just trying to make her look bad.
Queenie, I don’t want to lose contact with my father, but how much of this do we have to take?—Defensive
Dear Defensive,
Your father will probably always defend his wife and not make her behaviour toward you a problem in his marriage to her.
Try to have as little to do with her as possible and to ignore her behaviour.
Dear Queenie,
My sister and I have always been close and I have always been there for her when she needed a shoulder to cry on. But recently when I needed someone to talk to about a problem I was having she just kind of brushed me off and later when I complained about the way she had treated me at that time she got mad at me for criticizing her.
Queenie, do you think this is fair?—Sister feeling used
Dear Sister,
No, it is not fair, but that is how things are sometimes. Some people are better at taking help than at giving it, and because up to now you did not need that kind of help you just did not notice that your sister is like that.
Try to accept her for what she is and focus on all her good qualities.
Dear Queenie,
I have an older sibling who has kids ages 15 and 5, living with me and other family members. I have a mortgage with my other sibling and together we take care of our unemployed parents and responsibilities of the house.
My older sibling is a three-time divorcee and we help her with the kids as much as we can, even though we do not have enough space to accommodate her, the kids and her belongings.
We have had this experience of her moving in and out several times and the other family members just got tired of it. We have warned her many times after her first divorce to save something on the side should this happen again, but she hasn’t .
I have extreme resentment towards her. We only charge her pocket change to assist with the house bills so that she can concentrate on getting herself back on her feet and find her own place. It is now 9 years that she and the kids are living with us and she refuses to leave because she says that she does not earn as much as me and that I should find a place for her to live in.
She claims she sought assistance everywhere (low income housing, financial aid, etc.) but it was not successful.
Queenie, any input or advice would be greatly appreciated.—Fed Up
Dear Fed Up,
As long as you continue to let your older sibling live with you rent-free she will continue to take advantage of your generosity, because she will have no motivation to do otherwise. The fact that she does not earn as much as you do does not give her the right to sponge off of her more fortunate relatives and does not give you any obligation to her.
To start with, you should be charging her a reasonable amount of rent – more than mere pocket change. If you do not feel right about taking her money, put it in a savings account (one that she does not have access to) to be used for finding her someplace else to live and paying the cost of moving there.
You might also accompany her on her quest for assistance, and/or do some research about it on her behalf. You did not mention whether she is receiving child support from her children’s father(s). If she is not, she should be, as long as the children are underage.
And I hope she is at least helping with the physical work – housework, for example – of maintaining a home.
Dear Queenie,
I got divorced when my children were in their 20s. Since then they blame me for everything that goes wrong in their lives, because of everything they say I did wrong as their mother, including staying with their father as long as I did.
I have tried to explain to them about my decisions back then, but they don’t want to hear about it, they just stop talking to me.
Queenie, how can I fix this?—Desperate mother
Dear Mother,
As usual, I recommend professional counselling to help you learn to cope with your children. If you can get them to go with you – to help them learn to understand your side of the story – so much the better.
Dear Queenie,
I have always been independent and since I graduated college I have had good jobs and lived on my own without any help from my parents.
However, my brother still lives with them and depends on them for almost everything. Sometimes he gets a low-paying or part-time job but it usually doesn’t last very long.
Queenie, I know this is really up to my parents, but should I maybe say something about it?—Disgusted brother
Dear Brother,
You could point out to your parents that they are not doing your brother any favour by allowing him to remain dependent on them.
However, have you considered the possibility that your brother may have some medical or psychological problem that prevents him from being able to live on his own?
You might also discuss with your parents what will become of your brother when they are no longer able – or around – to take care of him.
