Dear Queenie,
When my daughter was a child I had to work full-time to support her because her father never paid any child support. I had to depend on his mother to take care of her while I was at work and his mother never liked me and she told my daughter awful things about me that just weren’t true, but my daughter believed her.
Now my daughter is all grown up and we are estranged because of all the lies her grandmother told her (and still tells her).
Queenie, is there any way I can reconnect with her?—Unhappy mother
Dear Mother,
You can try to tell your daughter the truth about the things her grandmother told her about you, but she may have trouble believing you unless you can show her proof of what you are saying. Professional counselling for the two of you together might help, if you can persuade her to go with you, but if she will not go, go by yourself to learn how to deal with her and with your feelings about her behaviour.
Dear Queenie,
I have a friend who doesn’t drive, so she depends on everyone she knows to take her to places like the bank, the doctor’s office and shopping. Once in a while she gives me gas money.
The problem I have with all this is that the driving I do for her costs a lot more than she gives me for gas, and the time she takes doing her errands. I like to get things done quickly and get on with it, but you wouldn’t believe how much time she takes doing her shopping.
Queenie, what do you suggest?—Fed up
Dear Fed up,
As often as possible make sure your friend is with you when you go to buy gas so she can see just how much it costs you, and do not be shy about asking her to help pay for it.
As for the time problem, when she asks you to take her out to run errands, tell her just how much time you have to spare and that if she takes longer than that you will just have to leave her to fend for herself.
And do not feel obliged to take her places every time she asks. Maybe if she has to call a taxi or take a bus once in a while she will learn to have more consideration for you.
Dear Queenie,
I know that it is still the custom in some cultures that if a man wants to marry a woman he should ask her father for his permission.
Queenie, what I want to know is, if the father is dead should the man ask for the mother’s permission?—Curious
Dear Curious,
It would be very nice, and respectful, for him to do so. However, first he should be sure his prospective fiancée wants to marry him. There is no point in asking the mother’s permission if the daughter is going to say “No”.
Dear Queenie,
Some of my family always give me gift cards on special occasions. Then later one of them will ask me what I got with the card and when I tell them they act offended as if it is something they never would have given me.
Queenie, what should I say when they do this?—Offended recipient
Dear Recipient,
You could ask them in return, “Why do you want to know?” and then change the subject. Or you could tell them what you got and go on and on about how much you are enjoying it without giving them a chance to say anything else. Or you could just change the subject without answering their question at all.
After all, the card was their gift to you, not what you did with it. If they had given you a piece of clothing, for example, would they then have any right to ask – and approve or disapprove of – when and where you had worn it?
Dear Queenie,
My husband and I didn’t have a big wedding, just a small civil ceremony with a couple of witnesses and a small reception a while later. Now our 10th anniversary is coming up and we want to have a big ceremony to renew our marriage vows.
Queenie, would that be okay?—Anniversary Etty Ket
Dear Etty Ket,
It would be more than “okay”, it would be wonderful. Ten years together is something to celebrate in a big way, and you will not be the only ones who have done so.
