Dear Queenie,
Last July my daughter and her husband told us they were going to have a big party for us to celebrate my wife’s 75th birthday just before Valentine’s Day. After that we never heard anything about it again. Then the day of the event we called them to ask what time we should plan to arrive, and they told us something had come up and they weren’t going to have a party after all.
Queenie, shouldn’t they have told us sooner than that so we could have made other plans?—Disappointed Dad
Dear Dad,
Yes, of course, they should not have waited until the last minute to tell you about a change of plans. However, it is possible that they simply had forgotten about their promise, or that they had some last-minute emergency.
It might have helped them remember if you had mentioned to them occasionally over the months how much you were looking forward to the party. On the other hand, if it was a last-minute emergency they should have given you a little more detail than just “something has come up”.
Dear Queenie,
My husband has a son in kindergarten from his previous marriage who lives with his mother (my husband’s ex-wife). I have never talked badly to the child about his mother or expected him to call me “Mom” or anything like that, but it’s obvious from the way he talks to me that his mother says bad things about me and blames me for their break-up and divorce.
What’s worse is that now my husband and I are expecting a baby and the boy is convinced that his father won’t love him anymore when the new baby comes.
Queenie, how do we handle all this?—Worried stepmother
Dear Stepmother,
Whenever the boy is with you and your husband, let him know how much you both love him, and will love him more than ever when the new baby comes and needs a big brother who loves him (or her) too.
As your stepson gets older he will learn to understand his mother’s bitterness, and you will be able to help him cope with it.
Dear Queenie,
Before we got married my husband was a wonderful lover, but since the wedding he never touches me.
I’m not as slender as I used to be, but I’m not terribly fat and I’ve been this way since before we got married, so that’s not the reason, and anyway, I’m trying to lose some weight.
Queenie, what more can I do?—Frustrated wife
Dear Wife,
Is it possible that your husband is having erectile problems that he is ashamed to admit? Perhaps a chat with his doctor would help him – and help you understand.
It is also possible that your husband’s behaviour while he was courting you was just that – “courting” – and now that he has “sealed the deal” he no longer feels any need to keep you romantically interested.
Dear Queenie,
Someone I used to be best friends with used to go after any man I was interested in. One time I found out she had been sleeping with my boyfriend and I forgave her even though I broke up with him.
Another time we went to a party together and the hostess introduced me to a man she thought I would like and my friend started talking to him too. I told her I would step aside if she really liked him and she yelled at me and ran away crying and later we had a big fight about it.
After that we weren’t friends anymore and she went around telling our other friends mean things about me that just weren’t true and they believed her.
Queenie, I don’t miss my ex-best friend, but I do miss the others. What can I do?—Lonesome woman
Dear Lonesome woman,
Those others must not have known you very well, or were not very good friends, if they believed what your ex-besty told them about you.
Consider yourself well rid of a “friend” who would treat you that way, and start looking for ways to keep occupied and meet new people who could become your new friends. Join a church group or a special interest club, do volunteer work with a hospital, library, or service organisation, and look to make friends with like-minded people.
Dear Queenie,
From the time our son was born my wife has kept him with her all the time, even at night next to her in our bed. Now he is 3 years old and he still sleeps in our bed, so there is no privacy for us to do anything that might lead to our having another child, if you get my meaning.
Queenie, when will it be time for him to have his own bed in his own room?—Frustrated father
Dear Father,
Your son should have had his own bed from the time he was born. That is what cradles, bassinets and cribs are for. And at three years old it is time for him to have his own room to sleep in as well.
Have a talk with your paediatrician and ask him to explain these things to your wife.
Is it possible that your wife is doing this at least partly to avoid “doing anything that might lead to (y)our having another child”? Marital counselling for the two of you might also be a good idea. And if she really does not want to get pregnant again, there are better means of contraception, which her doctor can explain to her.
