Dear Queenie,
My family has stopped inviting my mother to family occasions because she says mean things and hurts their feelings. I live abroad and don’t see her or talk to her very often and she is always nice to me, but she does say mean things about the others. She thinks they should respect her for her age if nothing else.
I think they should put up with her behaviour and invite her to important family events.
Queenie, what do you think?—Concerned daughter
Dear Daughter,
Your mother is suffering the consequences of her behaviour. She should promise the rest of your family that she will watch what she says and behave better in future, and your family should give her a chance by inviting her to at least the most important family events. But if she does not live up to her promises, they cannot be blamed for excluding her again.
Dear Queenie,
My girlfriend broke up with me when she went away to college. She said it was because she wanted to be free to see other people while she was away. We are still good friends and sometimes we sleep together when she comes home on vacation.
My friends say I should be free to see other people too and I shouldn’t see her or talk to her when she comes home.
Queenie, are they right?—Home-town ex-boyfriend
Dear Ex-boyfriend,
Your friends have a good point. You are – and should feel – just as free to date other people as your ex-girlfriend. Being on a friendly basis with her is fine, but sleeping with her even just occasionally is only making things difficult for both of you.
Dear Queenie,
Some time ago a friend of mine was given an award by a local service organization. Since then the friend loves to brag about the award and show everyone photos of it.
Queenie, is there any polite way to tell my friend to shut up about it?—Heard enough
Dear Heard enough,
When your friend starts boasting, just smile and say (as sweetly as you can manage), “Yes, yes, we know all about it,” and change the subject, or walk away if necessary.
Dear Queenie,
I have been divorced for many years and my ex-husband now lives and works far away from here. His family still lives here and they want to have our children, their only grandchildren, come to visit them, or to come to my house to see the children, every week.
My problem is that when we were married, his family didn’t like me and said I was the worst thing that ever happened to their son and brother. They also blame me for the divorce although it was really his fault because he cheated on me, but I suspect he lied to them about it.
I would like my children to have a relationship with their father’s family, but I worry about the lies they would tell the children about me.
Queenie, how can I do this?— The ex-wife
Dear Ex-wife,
Tell your former in-laws that they may visit the children in your home as long as they behave civilly toward and about you, that you will be present the entire time, and that if they say or do anything to offend you they will have to leave immediately.
And it would not hurt to have a member of your own family or a good friend also present during those visits to help you enforce your rules if it becomes necessary.
Dear Queenie,
I am still friends with a man I dated for a while a few years ago. Our relationship just didn’t work out, but after we broke up we still stayed friends.
Now I am dating another man, but he doesn’t like it that I am still friends with my former boyfriend and he wants me to stop seeing my ex or even talking to him altogether.
Queenie, what is the right thing to do?—Undecided
Dear Undecided,
I can understand that your new boyfriend does not like for you to have anything to do with a former boyfriend, but he should not try to dictate what friends you can have.
Tell the new guy you will not be seeing the ex as often as before, and assure the new guy that you do not talk to the ex about your new relationship or any problems you may be having in it. And if that does not settle the matter, ask yourself whether the new guy may be trying to control you a little too much.
On the other hand, if you still have any stronger feelings for the ex than just friendship, then yes, you should stop seeing him altogether.
