Dear Queenie,
Our teenage granddaughter does not come to visit us anymore. We asked her mother, our daughter-in-law, why, and she said it’s because the girl doesn’t like the way my husband, her grandfather, rubs her back and shoulders.
Queenie, he’s been doing this the same way since she was small. Why is it all of a sudden a problem? Of course he’ll stop doing it if she doesn’t like it, but why didn’t she just say something?—Sad grandparents
Dear Grandparents,
Probably the way her grandfather was touching her became a problem for her when your granddaughter started going through puberty, and she may have been too self-conscious about it to say anything. She may also have started hearing stories about child molestation and misinterpreted her grandfather’s behaviour.
He should apologise to her for making her feel uncomfortable with him and promise not to do it anymore.
However, she (or her parents) should have said something to him about it before it caused such a rupture in your family relations.
I hope an open discussion and some mutual apologies can heal this breach.
Dear Queenie,
I am very careful about what I give my children to eat because I want them to be healthy and have good eating habits, so I only give them healthy food. However, their father gives them all sorts of sweets and junk food.
Queenie, should I keep trying or should I just give up and let them eat junk?—Doing my best
Dear Doing my best,
Aside from the question of whether what their father gives them is good for their health is the fact that he is sabotaging your efforts and making them see you as a mean mother. If their father will not listen to you, perhaps he will listen to your children’s doctor, your paediatrician, about what is good – and what is not good – for your children.
Dear Queenie,
My husband and I have been having some problems and we even went for marriage counselling. I thought things were going to be okay until my husband said he hasn’t been in love with me for a long time.
I want to keep our marriage going because we have young children but I just don’t know what to do.
Queenie, can we have a good marriage if we’re not in love with each other?—Confused wife
Dear Wife,
A good marriage does not require passionate love. There can be a good marriage even without passionate love as long as both parties are dedicated to making it work – and marriage counselling can help with this.
Dear Queenie,
If I do anything my parents don’t like they get mad and yell at me and call me bad names. I tried to talk to them about this, but it just made them mad again.
Queenie, I would like to be closer to them but I don’t know what to do. Please help me.—Hopeful son
Dear Son,
Some people behave the way you describe when they are under financial or other kinds of pressure. Others behave the way their parents treated them when they were children.
Perhaps an adult relative might be able to explain to your parents how you feel. Or, if you go for counselling, the counsellor might want to talk to your parents about your problem and they might listen to what a professional tells them.
Dear Queenie,
My older daughter got divorced because both she and her husband had an affair with another man and woman, respectively.
My younger daughter is happily married, but I found out that sometimes her husband has sex with her sister, my older daughter, and the younger one knows about it and even encourages them to do it. Her argument is that this way her husband is not so likely to cheat on her.
Queenie, should I try to do something about all this, and if so, what should I do?— Worried mother
Dear Mother,
Apparently your younger daughter and her husband do not believe in the “forsaking all others, keep thee only unto him/her” part of their marriage vows.
It is naïve of your younger daughter to think that this arrangement will keep her husband from cheating on her. Just the opposite is more likely to be the case.
As for what you should and can do: tell your daughters – as gently as you can manage – just what you think about all this (including what I have said, if you wish to quote me) and hope (pray!) that they will listen to what you say.
