By Caribbean Comedian Onicia Muller
I love a good nap. In fact, I consider myself a nap expert of sorts. My obsession with naps goes way back. I wrote a four- or six-page essay in high school, by hand, titled “The Art of Napping.” The section I remember the most detailed how to nap undetected in class. Did I get a passing mark? *hair flick* My English teacher gave me 8/10.
I say all of that to say I’ve been a prolific nonsense talker for a long time. Here are some other stupid (but hopefully helpful) thoughts.
Social media profiles: Please remove expired domains from your bio. I’m tryna stalk, and you’re leading me to dead ends.
Crepes: Crepes are what happen when a well-meaning parent wants to make pancakes, but they have fifty eleven children to feed.
Relationship status: I’m not single. I’m in an open relationship with myself.
Plus ones: Ever have that friend who is intentionally vague so you have to ask them a million questions just so they don’t try nothing funny?
Who all coming?
Oh, you know, just us.
Who is us?
Jim and them
Who is them?
John and the rest
Who is the rest?
Kim and the crew
Who is the crew?
Not racist: When people say, “I’m not racist. I have a [race] friend.” That’s like me saying, “I’m not poor. I have a money!”
Babies on social media: What is the most popular social media platform for babies? Yelp. #BadPuns
Marriage statistics: Did you know that being married statistically increases your odds of waking up next to a dead person? You’re welcome.
Self-checkout: Old people use cashiers to avoid computers. Young people use self-checkout to avoid humans...and to steal.
Hair helmets: #DearWhitePeople: Treat Black women’s hair how you treat white men’s toupees. If Bob from Accounting showed up with a new rug, you’re not gonna ask dumb questions like “How did you grow it so quickly?” You not asking for a feel!
Restroom: Real talk: Why do they call it a “restroom” when that’s the one place your butthole be working overtime?
Quarantine birthdays: Rumour has it that if you celebrate your birthday during quarantine, you don’t actually age one year. You age 84 years.
Career compatibility: Things that make me a good journalist: I be suspicious. Things that make me a bad journalist: I be minding my bidness.
Mafia policies: You think the mafia doing shakedowns via Zoom calls?
Hard truths: I don’t want y’all to be mad, but under her clothes, your mother naked :)
Forks: A fork is just a comb for your spaghetti. You’re welcome.
Therapy is expensive so shout out to my Twitter followers (@OniciaMuller), who allow me to share and engage with my silly thoughts and more, without cancelling me. Thank you for your service.
Award-winning Caribbean comedian Onicia Muller’s weekly humour column, Just Being Funny, is chicken soup for the naive sceptic’s soul. You can hire Onicia to write anything from blogs and newsletters to funny greeting cards. Join her newsletter for funny stories and stand-up comedy: OniciaMuller.com