Just Being Funny: This is why I won’t ever look like Naomi Campbell

Just Being Funny: This is why I won’t ever look like Naomi Campbell

By Comedic Storyteller Onicia Muller

The “smoky makeup” was masterful, except that the “smoke” was above my lip and the “makeup” was hair. Removal could transform me into Naomi Campbell, but cheapness had me looking like “Stache” Harvey. Alexa, play Little Shop of (Beauty) Horrors.

Since I enjoy pulling my lone chin hair from the root, tweezing promised to be that euphoric sensation times three million. Listen, viciously plucking face hairs is a certified torture tactic – bun fiya pon alla it.

Applying homemade wax (i.e. molten sugar lava) to my face ain’t exactly genius moves – even if TLC’s Untold Stories of the ER paid bigly.

Dem say shaving nah mek yuh hair thicker, but irony is shaving my hairy lip only to gain darker skin from razor cuts. No gracias! Doing laser hair removal on a barely-there moustache is like giving community police military weapons for regular patrols.

According to laser hair removal companies, you need eight to twelve sessions to get the full result. Between those sessions, you can’t bleach, pluck or wax the hairs – you’ll be looking like Super Mario – but they promise you’ll see results. If you ask me, that sounds like a sketchy plastic surgeon’s delay and dodge tactic: “Your breast implants aren’t malformed. You should wait one year to see the full results then we’ll discuss refunds.” But while da tebbe at home waiting, the doc done pack up shop and moved to Thailand.

And did you know that laser treatment can cause some hairs to grow longer and thicker? DAS DA OPPOSITE OF WHY I’M HERE, LINDA!

So you tell me, are any of those options worth it when I could simply go to the beauty supply store and buy concealer that’s thick like spackle to cover my smoky lip makeup? Future me thinks not; on the other hand, past me …

I should have gone to bed, but sometimes impatience gets in the way of common sense.

I sniffed the half-empty bottle of Nair. How important are expiration dates anyways? What if I keep the product on longer, you know, in case “expired” just means “less effective”?

Aaand, that’s why it’s called Nair; that fossilised tube of liquid razors had me singing Nearer, My God, to Thee! Depilatory? More like debilitating!

I sent my sisters a video message: “Dear Fada, me jus bun off me face! Before ya force me ta live like a likkle hatched-faced gyal, me beg ya a forgive me vanity. Please avenge yuh faithful servant n rain hail, brimstone n fiya pon di beauty industry.”

Caught up in a spirit they typed: “Pahahahaha skjskjskj whahaha. Gyal you a fool.” I went to bed clutching an ice pack to my face. Thankfully, the Nair cream didn't incinerate my flesh, leaving my gums and teeth exposed.

To beauty gurus, who swear that waxing makes hair thinner so we eventually won’t need it: “Who among you has reached hairless Nirvana?” I’ll wait.

Shout out to all the moustaches that don’t regrow as freakishly thick mink stoles.

Award-winning Caribbean comedian Onicia Muller regrets leaving St. Maarten for windy Chicago. Her weekly humour column “Just Being Funny” is chicken soup for the naive sceptic’s soul. Join her newsletter for funny stories and stand-up comedy. OniciaMuller.com/JBF