By Caribbean Comedian Onicia Muller
Y’all know I love a good scam. This one minute and fifty-six-second news clip about two high schoolers living in India who found a creative way to cheat was so delicious, I had to share with y’all.
Apparently, two engineering students used an invention to cheat for social science, economics, and engineering. They managed to hoodwink the people surveying the exam for two days but were busted during the engineering test.
First off, everyone knows third time is not the charm when it comes to criminal activity. You need to be strategic about your cheats. You can’t be trying to play the system on every go.
Secondly, y’all cheating as a team?! That takes trust. I tried cheating with a group once. We got away with it. But I’ll tell you this: there was so much stress maintaining friendships because they might snitch on you in retaliation.
Also, when people know you’re cheating or you got the plug or that you are just good at a subject, they want to do wild stunts like try to get you to pass your answers to them. Get away from me, you peasant.
The news report said the two young men ordered a mini microphone and other equipment online to create a hi-tech cheating device. The contraption consisted of a Bluetooth-powered earpiece, a mobile phone, and some microchips and wires which they hid in their underwear.
Okay, so much to unpack here.
Y’all got a budget for cheating?! Back in my day, all I had was time and whatever office supplies I could find around the house.
Two: Couldn’t be me ordering phones and cables and microphones to do an exam. A stunt like that could only be done with Amazon Prime’s one-day shipping. Who credit card y’all put this on?
What if you blow the bag but still fail the test? Oh, it happens.
There’s never enough space on the cheat-sheet to write everything you covered in class. Nah, you got to pray that the Holy Ghost guides you to the right passages.
I remember having to write my cheat sheets several times. One time, I wrote too big; and a next time, I wrote so small that the letters just bled together. Eventually, I would just accidentally memorize everything.
Speaking of memorization; you ever wrote your answers in code or shorthand? You be thinking you so clever, but then you show up on the test date and what you wrote be looking like Egyptian hieroglyphics.
Now, let’s talk about how they rigged the device into their underwear – brave and iconic. With all those exposed wires, I would be doubly nervous that the sweat from my butt cheeks would cause me to get shocked.
Cheating truly is a scam. You spend so much time and effort creating what you hope to be a foolproof system, but you’re probably better off just studying for the test.
Oh yeah, always keep your head up when posing for a mugshot. It’s 2020! Mugshots be launching felonious modelling careers. Just look up Jeremy “Prison Bae” Meeks.
Shout out to all young scammers. May the multiple-choice odds play in your favour!
Award-winning Caribbean comedian Onicia Muller’s weekly humour column, Just Being Funny, is chicken soup for the naive sceptic’s soul. You can hire Onicia to write anything from blogs and newsletters to funny greeting cards. Join her newsletter for funny stories and stand-up comedy: OniciaMuller.com