Dear Queenie,
My wife’s family are very religious and all the gifts they send on various occasions have a religious theme. Our children are getting a religious education, but it is not something that dominates every minute of our lives and the kids just aren’t interested in all these religious gifts.
Queenie, how can we politely tell those people to leave religion out of it when they are buying gifts?—Fed-up father
Dear Father,
You cannot do that politely. No matter how you try to soft-pedal your request, your hyper-religious in-laws probably will take offence.
Try to keep them informed about your children’s activities and interests and hope they take the hint. If they do not (and they probably will not), make sure the children thank them politely – and then donate the unwanted items to someone who will appreciate them.
Dear Queenie,
My 12-year-old son has gotten so rude and mean he is hard to live with. We are going to counseling but I can’t ever leave him with a sitter because he will treat them the same way he treats me.
Queenie, how do I get through all this?—Disgusted mother
Dear Mother,
A change like this, especially if it came on suddenly, could be more than just the onset of puberty. Discuss it with your counsellor, and also with your family doctor and/or your son’s paediatrician.
Meanwhile, are there any family members – your son’s father, aunts, uncles or grandparents – who might be willing to look after him now and then and put up with his behaviour briefly, although he might (briefly) behave a little better for them, while you take a little time for yourself?
Dear Queenie,
I’ve been friends with this guy for years. We talked about everything and anything without any fear. Throughout all those years I had feelings for him but did not wanted to mess our friendship up or his marriage. I had feelings for him before he got married. They were married for 14 years.
Anyway, it’s almost a year since he got divorced, but he is still in contact with his ex-wife because they have kids together.
He has been living with me for almost 2 years. In this space of time we became lovers. I have to be careful of what I say to him even though it’s for his best at times. I feel as if I made a wrong decision of being his lover if I do not have a voice for him to acknowledge.
At times he makes me feel as if he wants to go back with his ex-wife. I do not want to stop him from being happy, but I need to be happy too.
Queenie, what should I do or say? I don’t want to be a karma of unfair choice.—Heartbroken
Dear Heartbroken,
I think you need more extensive advice than I can give you in this short column.
You and your lover both need to get professional counselling – separately and/or together – to help you decide what you want to do and, if you decide to stay together, how to do so successfully. And if he will not go for counselling with you or by himself, you should still go by yourself to learn how to cope with the problems in your relationship with him and whether you want to maintain it.
Dear Queenie,
Someone who used to pick on me when we were in grade school recently messaged me on Facebook saying they remembered me from school and wanted to apologize for how they treated me then. They asked if we could get together for coffee so they could apologize in person.
Queenie, even if they mean what they say I don’t want anything to do with them. I’d like to tell them where to go and what to do when they get there, but I don’t want to be as rude to them as they were mean to me back then. How should I answer them?—Ex-victim of bullying
Dear Ex-victim,
You do not have to answer them at all.
It is possible that now that they are grown up they realise that what they did back then was wrong and they are trying to make themselves feel better by apologising. However, you have no obligation to accept their apology in person. Read their message(s) if you wish, or ignore them, whichever makes you feel better.
Dear Queenie,
I have an evening out with some other women every week. One of the other women has started bringing her husband along. We would rather not have him there because we can’t talk freely with him listening.
Queenie, how do we tell her not to bring him?—Fed-up friends
Dear Friends,
Ask her – pleasantly – why she brings him. Maybe he is not well and she does not want to leave him alone, but then maybe she could get someone else, a friend of his or a relative, to stay with him. But if she has a good reason for bringing him, try to put up with him.
