Dear Queenie,
When I was younger I got involved with a man who turned out to be abusive and luckily I broke up with him before he hurt me badly.
Queenie, how do you know if someone is going to turn out to be like that?—Want to be prepared
Dear Want to be prepared,
A man like that will want to get involved quickly; is jealous, possessive and controlling; expects you to be perfect; tries to isolated you from family and friends and will not want you to have a phone or a car or a job; blames everyone else for their own mistakes and for hurting their feelings, which get hurt too easily; is cruel to animals; is “playfully” rough with you and verbally abusive; is sweet one minute and violent the next; probably has a history of violence, but blames someone else for it; and expects you to be submissive.
If a man exhibits any of these traits, be forewarned.
Dear Queenie,
My husband is retired, but has a part-time job. I have a full-time job and I work from home. I would like it for him to give me some help around the house but he won’t because he says I wouldn’t like the way he would do it. Usually I do the cooking because I like doing it. Sometimes he will make himself something to eat, but he never offers to make me anything or to share what he makes for himself with me.
Queenie, do I ask him for too much?—Angry wife
Dear Wife,
Apparently your husband is accustomed to being taken care of and catered to, and needs to learn to give you more help around the house. Ask him what he would prefer and give him a few specific things to do around the house, and if he does not do them, do not do them for him. Or, hire someone to help around the house and ask him to help you pay them.
Dear Queenie,
My husband is being promoted to a job on another island and we will be moving there in a couple of months. My parents and grandparents are upset because they keep saying how much they will miss me and he should not take me away from them.
Queenie, how can I make this move without hurting people I love?—Married daughter
Dear Daughter,
This kind of separation is a normal part of growing up. Assure your parents and grandparents that you will keep in touch with them and visit them as often as you can, and suggest that they also will be able to come to visit you in your new home.
Dear Queenie,
My husband’s brother has been living with us since he graduated from university. He doesn’t have a job so he doesn’t pay rent or help pay for his food, and he doesn’t help around the house in any way, so we have given him a deadline for moving out and now he is mad at us and says we are just being cheap.
Queenie, what’s a good way to answer him?—Fed-up sister-in-law
Dear Sister-in-law,
People like your brother-in-law often refuse to admit that they are taking advantage of someone and then get angry when they cannot get their own way. Do not argue with him about all this, but do not let him coerce you into letting him stay. Tell him you are sorry, but this is the way things are.
You can offer to help him find a job to support himself, but that is the only help you should give him from now on.
Dear Queenie,
My brother and I are both in our 30s. I have a good job and make good money, enough to live well and build up a savings account, but he isn’t doing so well (he earns enough to live on, but doesn’t have enough for any special treats) and keeps asking to borrow money that he never pays back.
Queenie, I’m sick of helping him out, but how do I make it stop?—Fed-up Brother
Dear Brother,
Just say “no.” You do not have to give him any excuses or explanations, just say “no” (as politely and pleasantly as you can manage) and stick to it, and make it clear that there will be no more handouts. But it would be good if you can help him find a way of increasing his income.
