Dear Queenie,
All our children are grown up and out on their own and we don’t get to see them much, so once a month we have a family dinner for everyone to get together, but one couple always shows up late even though they know what time we plan to start. We don’t like to start without them, but that’s not fair to all the others who come on time.
Queenie, how can we get them to not be so late?—Punctual parents
Dear Parents,
Do not worry so much about this couple’s non-punctuality. Make sure they know in advance what time you plan to start and start at that time whether they have arrived or not. When they do show up, just tell them that it was getting late so you started without them, that there are plates and food in the kitchen and they should help themselves (to whatever is left).
Perhaps having to make do with leftovers a couple of times will motivate them to be more punctual, but if it does not, at least all the rest of you will not have had to sit around waiting for them to arrive.
Dear Queenie,
My husband and I are separated and going to get a divorce, but our 25th anniversary is coming up and we are still married.
Queenie, do you think this is still something to celebrate or should we just ignore it?—Not yet an ex
Dear Not yet an ex,
If you and your husband are still on fairly good terms, this is a landmark not to be ignored, even though you may not feel like celebrating it. Send him a card or even give him a call just to say “hello.” On the other hand, if the two of you are not even speaking to each other, just ignore the event.
Dear Queenie,
I have some medical conditions that I have to take medicines for and these medicines make me very sleepy and sometimes they just knock me out. Several times I have waked up to find that my husband has taken all my clothes off and is touching me or even having sex with me while I was knocked out
He says it’s okay because we’re married and because he knows I would say “yes” if he asked me when I was awake.
Queenie, is he right?—Angry wife
Dear Wife,
He may be correct in thinking you would say “yes” if you were aware of what he wanted to do, but he is oh so wrong in thinking it is okay for him to do it when you are not aware of what he is doing.
In some places this is legally classified as “spousal rape” and, in any case, having sex with someone who is not in condition to give consent is a form of sexual abuse, which is punishable by law. If you cannot make your husband understand all this, a marriage counsellor, or even a legal professional, might be able to do so.
Dear Queenie,
I’m married with a couple of small children and these days we have a lot of money problems. My mother-in-law, who is very well-off, does things to help us out and I mow her lawn and clip her hedges every week, but she never offers to help us out with our money problems the way my family does even though they are not so well-off and have problems of their own.
Queenie, do you think this is fair?—Angry son-in-law
Dear Son-in-law,
No, it is not fair, but I doubt that your mother-in-law is a mind-reader. Have you talked to her about all this? If not, you should do so. And if she still does not give you any help, perhaps you should try to get a part-time job for the additional income.
And if this leaves you with no time to mow her lawn and clip her hedges, that is her problem, not yours.
Dear Queenie,
My ex-boyfriend cheated on me and after I broke up with him he married the woman he cheated with. I got married too and things have been going good, but then over the holidays my mother-in-law invited my ex-boyfriend and his wife to what I thought was going to be a family dinner. She said it was because she felt sorry for them because they didn’t have anywhere else to go.
I explained to my husband and my mother-in-law that I didn’t feel comfortable about this, because my ex never treated me very well and I thought the only reason he wanted to be there was to check up on me, but they said I was just making a big fuss over a very small matter.
Queenie, are they being unreasonable or am I?—Disgusted wife
Dear Wife,
I do not think you are being unreasonable. Your mother-in-law had no thought for your feelings in the matter when she invited your ex to what should have been a family affair without at least asking you how you would feel about it. And I have to wonder how it is that your m-i-l knows your ex at all, never mind inviting him to her home.
