Dear Queenie,
A friend of mine was badly injured when a man broke into his home and beat him up while he was robbing him. My friend’s only relative is a son who lives far away. I keep in touch with him and he says it’s up to his father to make decisions for himself as long as he can, and my friend’s doctors say he is able to do so.
My friend is still recovering, but he mostly has to stay in bed and he is very depressed. I check on him every day and he hardly eats anything, just wants to stay in bed, smoke and drink rum until he dies. I don’t want to help him die by giving him things like tobacco and liquor, but if I don’t he will just live longer in misery. To get well, he needs stop smoking and drinking, eat good food and get some exercise, and he thinks he just can’t do all that.
Queenie, am I wrong to do for him what he wants?—Worried friend
Dear Friend,
I would say you are being compassionate, but the fact is that no matter what he may say, your friend is committing suicide slowly with all his smoking and drinking. And also, smoking and drinking in bed is risking having a fire.
You cannot force your friend to do what he needs to do to get better, but do your best to persuade him to do it.
Dear Queenie,
My wife and I were planning not to have children until we could better afford to give them a good life, but then she got pregnant even though she said it was a safe time of the month.
Queenie, how can I trust her any more?—Angry husband
Dear Husband,
Even if your wife believed it was a “safe time of the month”, that would not have guaranteed that she would not get pregnant. You should have also taken other precautions, just to be on the safe side.
Dear Queenie,
A childhood friend of mine suffers from depression because of the abuse she suffered from her brother as a child that her parents knew about but didn’t do anything to make it stop.
Now she often invites me to family events like birthday parties where her brother and parents are present and I don’t like to go and face her abuser and the ones who didn’t protect her from him and now they are all acting like it never happened.
Queenie, should we just go and act like we don’t know anything bad ever happened?—Concerned friend
Dear Friend,
Celebrate special occasions with your friend separately, just before or after the actual date. Meanwhile, suggest to your friend, if she has not already done so, that she should see a professional counsellor for help in dealing with her depression.
Dear Queenie,
A long time ago my wife’s brother-in-law made a pass at her, She turned him down but after that he still gave her a hard time until we moved far away.
We still see him now and then at family occasions and he thinks everything is just fine even though he never even tried to apologize for what he did.
I have forgiven him for what he did, but I can’t forget, and every time I see him I start to get angry again and I have a hard time getting along with him.
Queenie, how can I get over this, or at least leave it in the past and move on?—Offended husband
Dear Husband,
If you still get angry at this man you have not actually forgiven him. If you think it would help if he apologised, tell him so – calmly – and hope that it helps.
Either way, professional counselling would help you put the past in the past and get on more happily with life in the present.
Dear Queenie,
A friend of mine from childhood now lives far away. When he visited here recently we got together and we even had sex. I always loved him as a friend but now I think there can be more than that. We keep in touch every day but I miss being together with him and that won’t happen for several months and the daily contact isn’t enough. He says he feels the same way.
Queenie, is there any hope for us?—Missing my friend
Dear Missing,
Yes, of course there is. In the more distant past, many couples who were separated for long times were able to keep their relationship going via mail. Nowadays there also are phone calls, email and other Internet apps that enable you to be in contact every day.
Meanwhile, until you can be together again, try to keep busy with other matters.
