Dear Queenie,
I got married recently but most of my family lives somewhere else and did not attend because of the expense. Over the years I have gone to a lot of such family events and I always gave a nice gift, but none of them even sent us a card, let alone a gift.
Queenie, what do you have to say about all this?—Offended bride
Dear Bride,
It is always good manners to send a card in response to an invitation to such an event, even if it is only an RSVP, but a gift is not mandatory if one does not attend. And there may still be some gifts on the way. But whatever happens or does not happen, please do not let this become a reason for a rift in your family.
Dear Queenie,
When I’m with other people I talk too much. I don’t give them a chance to say anything, or if I do I interrupt them all the time.
Queenie, how do I learn to keep my mouth shut?—Chatterbox
Dear Chatterbox,
The fact that you recognise this bad habit is a good start.
When someone else is talking concentrate on listening to them, insist to yourself that it is interesting, and count to ten (at least!) before you say anything. If you must say something, make it a question or a comment on what they were saying and then listen to their reply.
Dear Queenie,
What are you supposed to do when you send a sympathy card to someone who is in mourning? Are you supposed to also send money or make a donation to some charity?—Death notice Etty Ket
Dear Etty Ket,
The purpose of a sympathy card is to express your condolences. Anything more than that is up to you. If the bereaved is/are in need, it would be kind to send money, but is not a requirement. A charitable donation in the name of the deceased would also be kindness, but again is not a requirement.
Dear Queenie,
I got married right after I graduated from college many years ago, but the marriage only lasted about a year because I cheated on him, and we got divorced and after that I lost track of him.
Now, all these years later, I am married again, but I can’t stop thinking about my first husband, not romantically, but maybe I ought to apologize for what I did to him.
My present husband knows how I feel about all this and he will go along with whatever I decide to do.
Queenie, what do you think?—Can’t decide whether to do it
Dear Can’t decide,
Your ex-husband from long ago has probably gotten over what you did to him and your apologies now would certainly bring up unhappy memories for him. Be glad you have learned to do better, and do not trouble your ex.
Dear Queenie,
My parents got divorced a long time ago and my mother still talks bad about my father and gets vexed if I say anything about him or have anything to do with him. If he is present at any family occasion she is so unpleasant that it gets difficult for everyone.
I have been together with my boyfriend for years, but she doesn’t like him either and she acts the same way about him. She wouldn’t even spend Easter with us because he would be there.
Queenie, is there any way I can get her to stop behaving this way?—Fed-up daughter
Dear Daughter,
Whenever there is a family occasion, tell your mother it is her choice whether or not to be there, but if she does attend you expect her to be civil to (and about) everyone else. And if she attends and then starts behaving unpleasantly, feel free to ask her (politely!) to tone it down or leave.
