Dear Queenie,
I’m dating a guy that has been divorced for more than 3 years, but still spends a lot of time visiting his ex-in-laws. He goes to them on holidays and other special events, and sometimes he doesn’t have time for me and my kids because he has to go and see them.
Queenie, I don’t get it. What is going on here?—Puzzled
Dear Puzzled,
There are several possible explanations for his behaviour.
He may simply be very fond of them and unwilling to lose his relationship with them even though he is no longer married to their daughter.
He could be playing a subtle kind of control game with his ex-wife, or he could still be hoping to get back together with her, with her parents’ help.
If he had children with his ex-wife, it could be the only way he can get to see them, or the only way he can see them without having to face her.
And, of course, it could be a combination of some or all of the above.
If there are children involved, suggest he bring them to see you and your children and plan child-friendly things for all of you to do together.
If he is not willing to let his children know about you, or if, without children involved, he remains more interested in his former wife’s family than he is in you, I do not hold out much hope for your relationship with him.
Dear Queenie,
I have 2 young children from a previous marriage. They do not remember their real father. He was not a very nice man and had no interest in them, before or after the divorce.
They think my present husband is their father and our children are their brothers and sisters. They even carry his name. I have never told them any differently, but I’m afraid someday someone will let the truth slip out and they will be upset and think I lied to them. But if I tell them and their feelings for my husband and his children change, everyone will be hurt.
Queenie, what should I do?—Undecided mother
Dear Undecided mother,
Tell all your children you were married once before. If they have questions, answer them honestly, but don’t give them more information than they ask for. You and your husband should make it clear to them that he considers them all his own children and loves the older ones as if they were. All your children should understand that you and your husband make no distinctions between them because of their birth.
The longer you put this off, the more likely it is that they will be upset by the news. If they grow up knowing it, they will take it for granted.
Dear Queenie,
I just turned 16 and met this guy at my sweet sixteen party. I have had one or two guy friends before but nothing serious. I met him that night and since then, I developed this strong crush. After that, I met him once or twice and we got together somehow.
Now, he keeps hearing stupid rumours about me and most are not true. I have to admit that in the beginning I lied about a few things, but I am being honest with him now but he does not believe me. He lied as well in the beginning.
I keep telling him I love him so very much but he says I fall in love too fast. I just wish I can find a way to prove to him that I really care and I really want this to work.
Queenie, I know he cares, I can see it in his eyes, but how can I make him see how much I love him? Even though I’m just 16, I know for sure it is really love that I am feeling for him.— Crazy in love
Dear Crazy in love,
You just turned 16. You have not had a serious relationship before. I’m sorry, but I don’t believe you have yet learned the difference between a “strong crush” and mature love.
You admit you lied to this boy. How can you expect him to trust you? Just because you say so? How can he know whether you are lying when you say you are being honest now? The fact that he lied too only indicates that you have reason not to trust him either.
You have met him once or twice. I suspect he is right in thinking you “fall in love too fast.” I also suspect that what you “see in his eyes” is what you want to see, and he is trying to tell you that he does not share your feelings.
Give yourself some time to grow up a little more. If this really is love, it will stand the test of time, and perhaps when you are more mature this boy will become more interested in you.
Dear Queenie,
I’m nineteen years. I met this guy about 9 months ago and now he’s gone away to be back soon, and during that time I met someone else. I don’t want to break up with the man that I was with before, but I’m starting to have feelings for the next guy that I’m with now.
Queenie, can you please advise me what is best for me to do with both these
guys?—Confused Girl
Dear Confused Girl,
There is no law, or even rule of dating, that says you can only date one man at a time. However, each of the men you are dating has a right to know that he is not the only one in your life. As long as you are honest with them about it, it is perfectly all right for you to go on seeing both of them.
If they don’t like it, that is their problem, not yours.
Of course, they are also free to date other women.
Dear Queenie,
I’m in college and my family keeps calling me for some kind of problem.
Queenie, should I ignore them and concentrate on my studies or keep on dropping everything else to help them when they need it?—Frustrated daughter
Dear Daughter,
Every time you pitch in to help your family they become more dependent on you. If you are going to meet your goals in life you will have to set some limits. Let them know when you are too busy and turn off your phone. You will do better and they will learn to do more without you.
