Dear Queenie,
My brother’s girlfriend, who is a lot younger than us, is all the time on the phone calling or texting our mother. My brother has been dating her for a while, but he says he isn’t even thinking about asking her to marry him.
Queenie, is what she is doing normal?—Worried sister
Dear Sister,
Your brother’s girlfriend may need a “mother figure” because her own mother is out of the picture for some reason. Or she may think this is a way to get closer to your brother. Whatever the reason, it is up to your mother to cope with her.
Dear Queenie,
My first husband and I have a daughter who is now in primary school. We got divorced when she was less than a year old and he moved to another island. Since then he has had no contact with either of us.
I got married a couple of years ago and he has been a good father to her, and now we have a baby boy. My daughter loves her stepfather and her little brother, but she is curious about her own father and sometimes she asks me about him.
Queenie, I don’t want to tell her that her father just isn’t interested in her, but what should I tell her?—Worried Mother
Dear Mother,
Just tell her that her father is very busy and probably too busy to have any time for her, and remind her that she has a loving (step)father.
When she gets older, she probably will be able to use a computer to find her biological father on the Internet and if she does, I hope she is not disappointed by what she learns about him.
Dear Queenie,
My wife and I let a friend’s son come to live with us while he attends university, until he can move into a dormitory or get a place of his own. The problem is that our own children do not like having him here because he is a “stranger” and they are not very nice to him, partly because they think it is costing us money even though they know his parents are paying us for his room and board.
Queenie, what can we do about this?—Fed-up father
Dear Father,
It is up to you and your wife, not your children, to decide who should be a guest, paying or not, in your home. Even if they do not like your friend’s son, you should insist that your children treat him with respect and courtesy.
Dear Queenie,
My son and his family moved in with us (me and his father) when my son lost his job. My problem is the way my daughter-in-law spoils their 8-year-old daughter, my granddaughter.
The girl doesn’t even try to keep her room neat and clean and uses very bad language when I try to tell her to do better. When I or my son (her father) scold the little girl or try to show her how to do better, my daughter-in-law gets mad at us, but not at her for whatever she has done wrong.
Queenie, how do we get my daughter-in-law to be a better mother?—Fed-up grandmother
Dear Grandmother,
Your granddaughter will grow up without many friends, if any at all, and if she uses bad language she surely must get in trouble at school, but if she does better there she apparently does not carry the lesson home.
Professional parental counselling, if you can persuade her to go for it, might make more of an impression on your daughter-in-law than you or her husband have been able to do. Meanwhile, for the child’s sake keep trying.
Dear Queenie,
My wife has teenage children from her first marriage. I found out recently that when she got some information about one of them she did not tell me about it because she thought it would be violating her child’s privacy.
I am offended because this makes me feel like I am not really part of her family. She thinks she was justified.
Queenie, who is right?—Offended stepfather
Dear Stepfather,
Your wife is. If her child asked her not to discuss whatever it was with you, your wife was correct in doing as her child requested. This is not a problem in your marriage unless you make it so. Children often keep secrets from their parents, never mind their step-parents.
