Dear Queenie,
My husband constantly corrects me when I make mistakes. At least, he says they are mistakes. He even does it when we are in public, or visiting with friends or family, all the time.
If I say something happened around two o’clock, he will say, “No, it was 2:15.” If I say we did something last summer he will say, “No, it was in May, summer doesn’t begin until June 21.”
He even tries to correct me when I know I am right, and if I can prove that his “correction” is wrong, he makes a big argument about it and then gets mad at me for shaming him in public. But he won’t listen to me when I tell him I don’t like being “shamed” in public either.
Queenie, how can I get through to him?—Annoyed wife
Dear Annoyed wife,
This is a very subtle form of emotional abuse, frequently practised by persons with feelings of insecurity. He may not even be deliberately trying to put you down, just trying to build himself up.
The sad part of it is that most other people who hear him are well aware of what he is trying to do, and rather than making himself seem smart, he just makes himself appear a little foolish – and very, very rude.
I doubt that anything you say to him will persuade him to change his behaviour. Counselling might help, if you can persuade him to go. If not, go by yourself, to get some help learning how to cope with his behaviour – and whether you really want to continue to do so.
Dear Queenie,
Would you please settle an argument about etiquette?
When two couples are out together, who is supposed to open and hold the door for the women? I say the first man to get to the door should hold it for both women. My boyfriend says he should open the door for me and the other guy should open it for his date.
Queenie, who is right?—Unliberated woman
Dear Unliberated woman,
According to the etiquette books, you are right. The first man to reach the door should open it and hold it until both women have entered or exited. If he is really courteous, he will hold it for the other man too.
However, this has been a moot point since Women’s Lib. Some women feel it is demeaning for a man to behave as though they are not capable of opening a door for themselves. Personally, I appreciate the chivalry, especially if I am carrying anything in my hands.
I suspect the etiquette books will eventually be updated to say that the first person to reach the door should open it and hold it for all the others.
But to hold it for only one person in a group is simply rude, no matter who does it.
Dear Queenie,
I need some advice on a matter that I have. You see, I am going away to school but I am leaving my boyfriend behind and I am scared that things are going to be different after that.
I am scared that we might break up and we are very serious. We have been together for 1 year and 2 months now and I love him so much that I don’t know what is going to become of us when I leave.
I am also scared that he might find another girl, because I used to hear that he was cheating, but he told me that they are just friends. I want to believe him but people are always telling me things and sometimes I just can’t make up my mind what to think.
So, Queenie, can you help me please? As soon as possible!—Schoolgirl
Dear Schoolgirl,
Judging from the way your letter was written and the number of mistakes I had to correct before I could publish it, you would do well to spend more time thinking about your schoolwork and less time thinking about your boyfriend and listening to gossip about him.
There is nothing you can do to make your boyfriend stay faithful to you. If he loves you he will stay faithful, and if he doesn’t stay faithful you will know for sure that he doesn’t love you.
Meanwhile, you will probably meet a lot of new friends, both male and female, at your new school, and you may find a new boyfriend there. You would do best to keep your options open and, as I said, concentrate on your schoolwork.
Dear Queenie,
I’m dating this really cute girl, but there’s one problem. Every time we go out, her mother calls her on her cell phone at least once during the date. She always wants to know where we are and what we’re doing.
We’re both sick of being treated like babies.
Queenie, how can we get her mom to let up?—No kid anymore
Dear No kid anymore,
You do not say how old you and your girlfriend are. If she is under 18 she can expect her parents to be concerned about her and want to be sure she is all right. Frankly, I think it’s a pity more parents don’t show such concern for their children, even if they would seem a little over-protective.
Even if your girlfriend is over 18, if she is still living with her parents, there is not much she can do about her mother’s solicitude except bear with it until she is ready to move out and live on her own. And if you want to stay in Mom’s good graces, you had better learn to put up with it also.
One final thought: Could it be her Mom is sending you a message that she will not put up with any hanky-panky?
Dear Queenie,
A while ago my husband had a stroke and now he is partly paralyzed and can’t talk clearly. All our friends seem to have disappeared. They never come to visit anymore and when I called to invite one couple to dinner they said no, because they couldn’t stand to see him that way.
How do they think I feel? I have to take care of him all day every day! I could use some company and so could he. Just because he is physically disabled doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with his brain!
Queenie, what’s the matter with these people?—Tied down and lonely
Dear Tied down and lonely,
Apparently your “friends” were of the “fair weather” variety. Instead of wasting time waiting for them and resenting it when they do not come or call, start trying to make new friends.
Perhaps you can arrange with Sister Basilia Centre, the District Nurses or the Senior Citizens Recreational Center for occasional day care for your husband. It will give you a chance to get out of the house occasionally and at the same time will broaden your husband’s horizons as well.
Contact the Women’s Desk. They may have some other suggestions. They can also offer you counselling on how best to cope with your circumstances.
