Dear Queenie,
I’ve been married for more than 20 years to a man who has ADHD and a much lower IQ than I have, according to tests he was given when he was still a minor He’s a good man and tries his best, but he just can’t seem to hold any kind of a job.
I have a college degree and a good job and it gets frustrating at times that I have to be the provider for the two of us and never could take time off to have a baby.
Queenie, how do I cope with this frustration?—Childless
Dear Childless,
If your marriage has lasted for more than 20 years either you have the patience of a saint or your husband is doing something right – making up in other ways for his inability to provide for you. Concentrate on the positive aspects of your marriage, not on your husband’s shortcomings.
Dear Queenie,
When my wife was in the hospital for some tests she was supposed to call me and let me know when the results came in. It turned out that she needed surgery and instead of calling me she called her mother, who lives in the States, to come to stay in our house to be with her.
So instead of being with my wife in the hospital I had to stay home and cook and look after her mother and drive her to and from the hospital.
Queenie, I know her mother deserved to know what was going on, but shouldn’t I have been the one to look after my wife instead of taking care of her mommy while mommy looked after my wife?—Left out husband
Dear Left out,
Certainly your mother-in-law had a right to know what was going on with her daughter and would want to be there for her at a time like that. However, your wife should have turned to you first, and should not have expected you to carry the burden of her mother’s visit while you were worried about her. That is what marriage is all about, although marriage vows of “forsaking all others” do not mean shutting out other family members entirely.
Dear Queenie,
About a week after my wife’s funeral her family called me and asked for some of her things, which I gave them. Since then I haven’t heard from them at all. I considered them part of my family and I miss them.
Queenie, why do people do like this?—Lonely widower
Dear Widower,
There could me many reasons for their behaviour. They may have forgotten, they may be busy, they may have assumed you preferred to mourn in private,
However, staying in touch with people works both ways. Have you made any effort to contact them? If not, they may just think you are not interested in hearing from them.
Dear Queenie,
I am the child of one black parent and one white. I am very light-skinned and have Caucasian features, so anyone who doesn’t know my family would never suspect that I am biracial and I know that to a bigoted person that makes me black even though I don’t look it.
It has happened that people who don’t know me make very nasty comments about black people in front of me and I hate to keep silent but I just don’t know what to say.
Queenie, can you give me a good response to such remarks?—Offended
Dear Offended,
How about “None of the black people I know are like that.” And when they ask you whom you know that is black, tell them “Me, my parents, my brothers and sisters, my grandparents, my aunts and uncles, my cousins and (if appropriate) my husband and children.”
If that does not shut those people up, they are not worth wasting time on and you should just walk away from them and (try to) have nothing to do with them in the future.
Dear Queenie,
Why is it when someone asks you for your opinion or advice they get mad at you if you don’t agree with them?
Queenie, if they don’t want to know what you think, why do they ask?—Just curious
Dear Curious,
Sometimes it is because they did not really want your opinion, they just wanted you to confirm their own opinion.
But it also could be the manner in which you answer them. Try using a gentler tone when you disagree with someone.
