Dear Queenie,
Several years ago my older sister was killed in an auto accident caused by a drunk driver. Now my younger sister is actually dating the man who killed out older sister!
I only found out about it because my younger sister had to call me one night to come get her because the man she was with got into an accident and was arrested for driving drunk and causing the accident.
I am so angry with her for having anything to do with the man who killed our sister that I don’t even want to speak to her ever again.
Queenie, am I making too much of this?—
Dear Brother,
I do not think you are making too much of this, not so much because the man caused your older sister’s death, but because he clearly is an uncontrolled alcoholic who not only has cost you the life of one of your sisters, but is now endangering another one – not to mention everyone else he may imperil with his drunk driving.
However, please do not cut ties with your sister who is dating him, because she almost certainly will be needing your assistance and moral support in the future if she continues to associate with him.
Dear Queenie,
My boyfriend’s mother runs a beauty salon and keeps offering to cut and style and tint my hair. I feel like she is criticising the way I look and so far I have refused. Besides, I feel like I would be sponging off her if I accept the offer.
Queenie, what do you think?—Undecided
Dear Undecided,
By all means take her up on her offer. When you do, be sure to tell her – politely! – what you want in the way of cut/style/tint and when she is done offer to pay her for her services. If she refuses payment, thank her for her generosity.
And just remember that whatever she does is not permanent (even if she actually has given you a “permanent”). Your hair will grow out again and you need not go back to her if you are not satisfied with her work.
Dear Queenie,
I don’t have an air conditioner so I keep my windows open for the breeze to cool my house.
The problem is my neighbors who sit outside and chat until all hours, while I go to bed early because I have to get up to go to work and they talk so loud they keep me awake. Not only that, but they smoke and they even toss their cigarette butts over the fence into my yard.
Queenie, how can I get them to shut up and stop littering my property?—Fed up
Dear Fed up,
You have every right to ask them – pleasantly, please! – not to throw anything into your yard. And while you are talking to them, you might mention that you could not help overhearing something they were talking about and give them your thoughts on the subject. Hopefully, that will encourage them to lower the volume of their conversations and keep their butts to themselves.
Dear Queenie,
My mother-in-law is always after me to let my children come visit her for the afternoon. I don’t like letting such young children out of my sight.
Queenie, how can I say no without being rude?—Young mother
Dear Mother,
Do you have any real reason not to trust your mother-in-law to look after your children for a few hours? If so, why not take them to visit her and stay with them while they visit? But if not, why not take advantage of the offer of free childcare for an afternoon to enjoy some alone time or run a few errands unencumbered?
Dear Queenie,
I am originally from the Dominican Republic, but I have a Dutch passport and I’ve been living in St. Maarten since I was 2.
I spoke Spanish before I ever learnt English when I was 3½. Now I speak it with my family, Spanish friends and I’m studying it on a CXC level because I simply see it as an asset and something that keeps me as close to my birth country as possible.
My problem is that my mother has gotten herself a boyfriend, which usually wouldn’t be a problem with me. However, he’s been giving me a pissy attitude lately. First, it started with simple things, but now, he’s been getting mad at me for speaking to my mother or sister in Spanish while he’s around.
I understand that some people don’t like it when other people speak a foreign language in their presence, so I always speak in English when I am directly speaking to him or speaking about something meaningless. On the other hand, I always talk to my mother or sister in Spanish when I talk to them about personal matters or other things like my school grades and whenever I have questions for THEM.
He’s gotten so pissy at me that he’s told me to leave whichever house we’re in multiple times.
Queenie, I feel like his pissy attitude is partly my fault, but do I just ignore it or tell how I feel about him denying me my mother language? Should I adapt myself to English alone, even if I don’t want to?—Conflicted daughter
Dear Daughter,
It is rude of you to speak to others in Spanish in this man’s presence – unless they do not understand English, in which case you should immediately explain to him what is being said. And yes, his “pissy” attitude is entirely your fault.
When you speak Spanish your mother’s boyfriend obviously has no way of knowing what you are saying – whether it has nothing to do with him or you are saying nasty things about him right to his face, knowing that he does not understand what you are saying. He is not trying to deny you your mother language, he is just asking that you not use it in his presence.
So save the conversations about things that do not concern him for times when he is not present and have the good manners to speak English in his presence.
Look at it this way: How would you like it if some of your local friends started chattering away in Dutch or Arabic or Hindi or Hebrew (all of which are languages common to St. Maarten’s multi-ethnic society) when you were with them? Would you not feel left out of the conversation? Would you not wonder what they might be talking about, what they might be saying about you? And would you not be pissed off at being disrespected that way?
