Dear Queenie,
When I was a teenager my cousin raped me. I have managed to get over it, but I have had nothing to do with him ever since and when my mother died I made it known that I did not want him to come to the funeral although the rest of his family was welcome. Now his sister is furious at me.
Queenie, was I wrong to exclude him?—Rape victim
Dear Victim,
Funerals are for the sake of the survivors and you had every good reason to exclude someone whose presence would have upset you.
However, I have to ask: Does your rapist’s sister know why you do not want to have anything to do with her brother? If not, you should tell her (or have some neutral third party do so). He might be a danger to her teenage daughters if she has any.
Dear Queenie,
My husband’s mother does not ever want to take care of our two sons, but she is always willing to watch her daughter’s child. What’s more, she expects me to help her daughter find a babysitter for when she can’t take the kid.
Queenie, should I tell her how I feel about all this, or keep my mouth shut for the sake of peace in the family?—Disgusted daughter-in-law
Dear Daughter-in-law,
Could it be that your mother-in-law does not feel up to managing more than one (probably very active) child at a time? Try talking to her (or ask your husband to do so) to find out why she shows such preference.
As for the baby-sitter question, you are not obliged to make any specific arrangements, but you could give your sister-in-law a few phone numbers – for the sake of peace in the family – and let her make her own arrangements.
Dear Queenie,
My husband and I eloped and because we were strapped for cash we used my grandmother’s wedding ring for the marriage ceremony.
We’re a lot better off financially now but my husband still hasn’t bought me a ring of my own. He always has an excuse – we’re buying a house, he has to pay our credit card bills, whatever.
Queenie, this is really getting to me. How do I fix it?—Lady of no ring
Dear Lady,
Many women would be pleased to wear an heirloom ring as the symbol of their own marriage, especially if the previous owner’s marriage was long and successful. However, your feelings on the matter are your own.
Have you really explained to your husband how much this means to you? If so, professional counselling might help you get through to him. Also, you might want to consider professional financial counselling if your husband’s excuses have a real financial basis.
Dear Queenie,
My husband is just wonderful until he gets angry. Most of the time he is kind and gentle, but when he gets mad he yells and curses and throws things at me. He has never actually hit me, but I’m scared he might do it one of these days.
Queenie, am I overreacting?—Worried wife
Dear Wife,
You are not overreacting, but it seems your husband is. Apparently he has anger issues and if he does not take measures – professional counselling and anger management training – you could end up seriously injured.
Insist that he take such measures and – especially if he resists doing so – contact Safe Haven ((office 9277 or (721) 523-6400, E-mail address: This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. , Facebook: SafeHavenSt.Maarten or 24-hour hotline 9333) for assistance.
Dear Queenie,
My boyfriend has a habit of breaking dates or just not showing up as much as half the time and he never explains why. Other than that he’s everything I could ask for.
I’ve talked to him about this and asked him to let me know when it’s going to happen, but nothing changes.
It also bugs me that he’s never introduced me to any of his friends and we’ve never done anything in a group with them, it’s always just the two of us.
Queenie, what do you think about all this?—Confused girlfriend
Dear Girlfriend,
Your boyfriend may just be unreliable, but I suspect he is married, or at least in a relationship with someone else, and does not want to take a chance on the other woman in his life finding out about you – and, of course, you finding out about her (or could it possibly be a “him”?).
