Dear Queenie,
My sister recently turned 60 and I arranged for s special birthday cake to be delivered to her at her birthday party. However, I had to have emergency surgery on the day of the party and wasn’t able to be there for it.
The next day my sister called to say how much she enjoyed the cake, but when I said I would love to have a piece of it if there was any left, she said there was a bit left and she was planning to have it for dinner. What’s more, she never came to see me in the hospital, not that day or at all while I was there.
Queenie, is it wrong of me to feel insulted?—Offended sister
Dear Sister,
The cake was your sister’s to do what she wanted with it, but it would have been nice of her to share a piece with you, especially under the circumstances of your being in the hospital.
As for her not visiting you there, some people do not deal well with such matters and find hospitals and major illness intimidating. If this really bothers you so much, ask her – gently, please – why she stayed away.
Dear Queenie,
My parents have been divorced since I was little and every time I can remember them being in the same room with each other it ended in a shouting match, so the family started having two separate parties for every holiday and family event.
Now my 21st birthday is coming up and both of my parents have suggested that they would like to co-host a party for me, but I’m afraid it would end in another loud quarrel.
Queenie, would this be a good idea?—Frustrated daughter
Dear Daughter,
As a test, why not suggest that the three of you (and their respective spouses/partners, if any) get together to plan the party? If they refuse to do so, there is your answer. And if they do get together to make plans and things end up in another “shouting match,” again, there is your answer.
Look at the bright side: If they cannot cooperate on this one occasion, you will get to have a double celebration.
Dear Queenie,
My boyfriend and I have been together for a long time and he has asked me to marry him. He has almost everything I want in a man, but I still find other men attractive and I keep worrying about what if I meet someone even more attractive than him after we get married.
Queenie, how can I be sure that I will be happier with him than with anyone else I might meet someday?—Hesitating
Dear Hesitating,
There are never any guarantees regarding what might happen – or whom you might meet – in the future. Marriage means making a commitment to the person you are marrying that if that should happen you will honour your marriage vows and resist any temptation that comes up.
That is part of what being an adult is all about.
Dear Queenie,
I know some people who are late for everything all the time, usually half an hour or even more, but they never apologise for being late, in fact they get mad if I don’t sit around waiting for them and just go off on my own to do whatever it was we were going to do together.
Queenie, what’s a good answer for such people when that happens?—Tired of waiting
Dear Tired,
It depends on how polite (or rude) you want to be to someone who was rude enough to keep you waiting for so long.
You can tell them “You were (however long it was) late and I did not want to miss (whatever it was you were going to do). Or “You should not have been so late. I got tired of waiting for you/thought you were not coming.” Or “Sorry, after I waited (however long it was) I thought you were not coming.”
And, when you make plans with people who make it a habit to be late, either allow for their usual lateness, or tell them in advance that you will only wait a certain length of time for them and if they are later than that all plans are off, no excuses accepted.
Dear Queenie,
My girlfriend said she wanted to put on a birthday party for me and asked me what kind of party I’d like, so I told her about a surprise party my sister did for me one time, so that’s what she did – exactly the same.
Queenie, what’s so special about her doing just what I told her and not thinking up anything to surprise me?—Disappointed birthday boy
Dear Disappointed,
Did you explain to her that the fun was in being surprised? Or did she think what you wanted was the same kind of party you described to her?
Make it clear to her that for you the fun is in being surprised and you will enjoy whatever she comes up with as long as it is a surprise.
And be happy that she is willing to go to so much trouble to please you.
