Dear Queenie,
My husband and I have been married for about 25 years and things have gotten real boring. There isn’t any passion or romance like we used to have.
We don’t want to go on like this for the rest of our lives, but we don’t want to be like enemies if we get a divorce. I think we could still stay friends, especially because we have children, but my husband doesn’t think so.
Queenie, how can we keep our marriage going, or stay friends if we get divorced?—Middle-aged housewife
Dear Housewife,
There is a good reason for the phrasing of the marriage vows – “for better or worse, … until death do us part”.
Things change in any relationship, especially after children come along, and basically you have promised to adapt to whatever happens and stay together for the rest of your lives. Maintaining a good relationship requires effort and the ability to adjust to those changes.
However, if you decide to get divorced you can still stay friends, even if you only do so for your children’s sake. It may not be easy, but it can be done if you both make the effort.
Dear Queenie,
My boyfriend smokes and when we are out at a “no smoking” place he will get up and go outside to have a cigarette every so often and leave me sitting there alone. It’s embarrassing to be sitting there and think people are staring at me.
Queenie, I keep asking him not to leave me sitting there alone. At least at a restaurant he should wait until we are done eating, don’t you think?—Non-smoker
Dear Non-smoker,
Apparently your boyfriend is so addicted to nicotine that he cannot even sit through a meal without having a “fix”. Perhaps your family doctor can convince him how bad smoking is for him and what kind of health problems it may cause him (if it has not done so already), and give him some help in finding a way to quit.
Dear Queenie,
My father has a habit of making critical comments when we talk. Sometimes he gets just plain nasty. It gets so bad I just don’t want to talk to him at all, but he is my father and my only living parent – my mother died several years ago – and I don’t want to just cut him out of my life.
Queenie, how can I get him to be less unpleasant?—Offended son
Dear Son,
Have you tried telling your father – as calmly and gently as you can manage – that when he says things like that it hurts your feelings? And if he continues, end the conversation.
You may have to go through this routine several – even many – times, but unless he is suffering from some form of dementia, he should get the message eventually.
If he does not, you may have to limit the amount of time you spend talking to him.
Dear Queenie,
My husband never wants to have sex with me. He claims it’s because he doesn’t have a sex drive, but I have learned that he regularly goes to one of those “adult entertainment” houses and sees prostitutes.
Other than this problem he is a good husband.
Queenie, should I just be happy for what I have?—Frustrated wife
Dear Wife,
A man who gives prostitutes his business does have a sex drive. However, your husband may have been brought up to think that a “good” woman does not, and that you are only trying to accommodate him.
I recommend professional counselling for both of you – for him to gain a more accurate view of a “good” woman’s feelings and needs, and for you to learn to understand and cope with his attitude.
Dear Queenie,
I have trouble falling asleep because I can’t get comfortable because of my arthritis. If I try reading for a while, the light keeps me awake. Then, if I finally fall asleep, my husband wakes me up when he comes to bed. And then in the early morning our pets come wanting to be fed.
I have tried sleeping in a separate room from my husband but that feels so lonely.
Queenie, do you have any suggestions?—Sleepless in St. Maarten
Dear Sleepless,
Do you have pain medication for your arthritis? If not, ask your doctor to recommend/prescribe some, and take it shortly before going to bed.
Don’t read in bed. Make the room as dark as possible and close the door so the pets cannot get in. You might also try feeding them just before you go to bed so they will not be so hungry in the morning.
And ask your husband to cooperate with your sleep problems. It probably would help if he would come to bed at the same time as you do, or even a little earlier.
