Dear Queenie,
My mother died several years ago and my father has started dating again. He has a very nice girlfriend and we are glad he is happy again, but he started bringing her to family events (with our blessing) and he doesn’t want us to talk about Mom when she is there, which has gotten to be every time.
Queenie, how can he expect us to just forget about Mom?—Bereaved son
Dear Son,
Anyone who dates a widow or widower has to expect that the deceased loved one will be remembered and mentioned from time to time. However, there is a difference between remembering/mentioning and turning every family gathering into a memorial service for the departed.
Try to make your father’s girlfriend feel welcome at family events, but she in turn will have to try to respect your memories of your mother.
Dear Queenie,
I recently found out that my husband has been calling, e-mailing and texting a woman he was engaged to many years ago until she dumped him for the man she eventually married. He says they are getting a divorce and he is worried about what will happen to her.
I think they are planning to get together again after she gets divorced. He says that is not so, but I don’t believe him.
Queenie, how can I trust him again after all this?—Angry wife
Dear Wife,
Under the present circumstances it is only natural that you are having trouble trusting him. I recommend professional counselling for help in dealing with this situation and in convincing him that he has to give up contact with his ex-fiancée, or at least stop hiding it from you.
If he is truly interested in preserving your marriage he will be willing to go with you for counselling (I hope!), but if he will not go with you, go by yourself.
Dear Queenie,
My husband used to abuse me, but when I left him and got a divorce my father threw me out of his house without letting me explain and the rest of the family just stood there and didn’t say anything.
Now my mother is going to die of cancer.
Queenie, should I forgive her and my father even though I don’t think they deserve it? That feels like admitting that they were right in taking my ex-husband’s side.—Rejected daughter
Dear Daughter,
If your mother and/or your father have asked for forgiveness, that is like admitting they were wrong and you should at least try to forgive them. However, if they did not, having anything to do with them is just risking more rejection.
I suggest you stay away from them unless they make the first move toward reconciliation.
Dear Queenie,
A friend of mine has fallen in love with a man who visits the island several times a year on business, or so he says.
I got curious to know more about him so I looked him up on the Internet and discovered that he is married and has children and doesn’t own his own business like he says, but works for a big company in a low-level job.
Queenie, should I tell her what I found out?—Worried friend
Dear Friend,
Tell your friend that you found out some things about this man that you think she should know and ask her whether she wants you to tell her what you found out. Most especially, she should be told that he is married, if she does not already know.
However, be prepared for her to be unhappy, and to not thank you for this probably unwelcome information.
Dear Queenie,
My father left his vacation home to me and my brother when he died. My brother needed the money, so he traded his share of the vacation home for what it was worth in cash from our father’s estate.
I have been renting out the vacation home by the week to other people who want it for their vacation. Now my brother wants to spend his vacation there next summer. If I let him use for free it I will lose the rent I could have gotten from a stranger, but my brother doesn’t want to pay because he says it’s the family’s “other home.”
Queenie, should I charge my brother for it too?—Undecided
Dear Undecided,
Your brother gave up all rights to the use of the vacation home when he traded (sold) his share for cash. It is entirely up to you to decide whether you want to charge him for using it. However, he should at least be expected to pay the utility bills for the time he spends there.
