Dear Queenie,
I’ve been divorced twice and now I’m seeing a married man whose wife is very sick. The way he takes care of her is what got me interested in him to begin with.
I don’t want him to choose me over her and I’ve tried to break up with him but he always convinces me not to.
Queenie, I feel like he is just waiting for his wife to die and for me to replace her. What should I do?—The byside
Dear Byside,
You are correct in your feeling that this man is waiting for his wife to die and for you to replace her. But what if she gets well instead?
You would be better off finding a man who does not have any other commitment and can devote himself entirely – and hopefully for the rest of your life – to you.
Dear Queenie,
My husband died a few years go – on my birthday, of all days! Since then I do not feel like celebrating on that day, but a lot of my friends and relatives still send me cards and gifts.
Queenie, I don’t want to be rude to them, but how can I get them to stop?—Unhappy birthday girl.
Dear Unhappy,
Thank them for their good wishes and explain to them, as you have to me, why you no longer feel like celebrating your birthday.
If you can think of a day that makes you feel happy – or at least, not unhappy; perhaps some public holiday? – suggest celebrating on that day instead.
Dear Queenie,
My daughter and her young son live with me. She doesn’t have a job and I am just as happy to have her at home with her son because I remember how it was when she was a child and I had to spend all day at a job and she didn’t get to see me very much.
I can afford to support my daughter and my grandson, but the problem is the boy’s father wants to move in with them. He is not a very good person and can’t keep a job and expects me to help support him too which I don’t want to do.
I told him not to come to my house – if he wants to see my daughter and his son he should arrange to see them somewhere else – but he still keeps on coming by and expecting to come in.
Queenie, what more can I do about all this?—Angry mother
Dear Mother,
First of all, make sure your daughter will be able to support herself and her son if/when the time comes that you cannot do so.
Also, make sure that when you are not at home there is someone there (besides your daughter) who can and will prevent your grandson’s father from coming in.
Dear Queenie,
I have a neighbor who comes over whenever she sees I have company and wants to join in. She also comes over sometimes when I am busy doing something and wants to just sit down and visit.
Queenie, I don’t mind once in a while when I’m not busy, but this is just too much!—Harassed
Dear Harassed,
Your neighbour is apparently lonely, and either rude or just not very smart.
When you are not willing to visit with her, tell her you are too busy to visit with her just then and do not let her get past your door. If you are feeling – charitable? – give her a time when she can come back and visit with you.
Dear Queenie,
My husband and I have two children we adopted when they were babies. We don’t talk about this much (we will explain it to the children when they are older) but sometimes it comes up in a conversation and the other person asks questions about how it came about, what happened to their real parents, and we don’t want to answer them, especially if the kids are around to hear.
Queenie, what’s a good (polite) way to shut the other person up?—Not their real parents
Dear Parents,
You are your children’s “real” parents because you are raising them, you just are not their “birth” parents.
Just tell such rude people – politely – that the story is too long to tell right now, “but aren’t we lucky to have such beautiful children?”
