By Comedic Storyteller Onicia Muller

“Sooo, Roberto.”

 

Dodging the topic wasn’t working. Rebecca was determined to waste girl time crying over her ex.

 

“Another six months wasted! I swear we’re never getting back together because now I don’t even trust him,” she lied for the millionth time.

 

Me? I wasn’t taking she on. I was focused on my noodles.

 

“I didn’t even know y’all were back together.” Six months ago, I wasted three days of my life talking her through their fourth – and supposedly final – breakup.

“No one knew. I decided to keep it a secret.”

 

Congratulations! You played yourself. You cried about being 32 and wanting to be married with kids.

 

You gave this dude 18 months of your life and vowed to not let him have another second. Yet somehow he managed to steal 15,778,800 more seconds. Girl, don’t know that secret relationships don’t end well? You’re 32; not 16.

 

He fooled you once, shame on him. He fooled you twice, shame on you. Three times? Shame on me, for wasting time listening to you two knuckleheads.

 

“At couples’ therapy, the counsellor said that differing faiths shouldn’t be an issue. We could’ve worked things out.”

 

What I wanted to say was: “I’m not going to couples therapy to try and make things work with a boyfriend – a BOYFRIEND. Going on a blind date is a better use of your time and money.” 

 

What I said was: “Just because something shouldn’t be a problem doesn’t mean it won’t be a problem.”

 

“I just…I just don’t understand why he doesn’t like me!” She was on the verge of tears. I was ready to pack up my things a la Annalise Keating but we were at my house...

SoOoOo.

 

I don't believe in soulmates so I can't relate with people who revisit old relationships. There is a reason why we broke up.

 

More importantly, there are other people who are practically carbon copies of your ex. If you’re so intent on overcoming red flags, you might as well do it with a new person. Then you’ll really have a fresh start. In this new relationship, there's no cheating, no hurtful words, and you have a whole new potential monster-in-law to win over.

 

I know; because I once dated two guys, who were so similar, that my friend told guy #2, “Oh, we’ve already met.” That wasn't a joke; she genuinely thought I'd brought the same person to a different event.

 

Beloved, it’s not petty to block someone who is wasting your time. It’s okay to break up with someone even if you can’t think of a “real” reason. Just because someone wants to date you, it doesn’t mean you have to date them. Go with your gut and hit block!

 

You’d block a scammer from calling you. So what’s the problem? Don’t be afraid to channel Maxine Waters and reclaim all your time.

 

My block game is strong; I block ex-lovers and bad clients. I even block strangers on Twitter. Sure, their tweet wasn’t directed at me but I've decided that I don't know you and don't need to know you.

 

Knock-knock on the forehead of anyone considering breaking up with their partner. Just break up with them, sis!

 

Created on St. Maarten; based in Chicago, Onicia Muller (@OniciaMuller) is an award-winning comedic storyteller. She writes and says funny things, and enjoys hanging with creative minds. “Just Being Funny” is a weekly reflection where Onicia laughs at life. Visit www.OniciaMuller.com/JBF

 

Just Being Funny

 

By Comedic Storyteller Onicia Muller

 

Just break up with him, sis!

 

“Sooo, Roberto.”

 

Dodging the topic wasn’t working. Rebecca was determined to waste girl time crying over her ex.

 

“Another six months wasted! I swear we’re never getting back together because now I don’t even trust him,” she lied for the millionth time.

 

Me? I wasn’t taking she on. I was focused on my noodles.

 

“I didn’t even know y’all were back together.” Six months ago, I wasted three days of my life talking her through their fourth – and supposedly final – breakup.

“No one knew. I decided to keep it a secret.”

 

Congratulations! You played yourself. You cried about being 32 and wanting to be married with kids.

 

You gave this dude 18 months of your life and vowed to not let him have another second. Yet somehow he managed to steal 15,778,800 more seconds. Girl, don’t know that secret relationships don’t end well? You’re 32; not 16.

 

He fooled you once, shame on him. He fooled you twice, shame on you. Three times? Shame on me, for wasting time listening to you two knuckleheads.

 

“At couples’ therapy, the counsellor said that differing faiths shouldn’t be an issue. We could’ve worked things out.”

 

What I wanted to say was: “I’m not going to couples therapy to try and make things work with a boyfriend – a BOYFRIEND. Going on a blind date is a better use of your time and money.” 

 

What I said was: “Just because something shouldn’t be a problem doesn’t mean it won’t be a problem.”

 

“I just…I just don’t understand why he doesn’t like me!” She was on the verge of tears. I was ready to pack up my things a la Annalise Keating but we were at my house...

SoOoOo.

 

I don't believe in soulmates so I can't relate with people who revisit old relationships. There is a reason why we broke up.

 

More importantly, there are other people who are practically carbon copies of your ex. If you’re so intent on overcoming red flags, you might as well do it with a new person. Then you’ll really have a fresh start. In this new relationship, there's no cheating, no hurtful words, and you have a whole new potential monster-in-law to win over.

 

I know; because I once dated two guys, who were so similar, that my friend told guy #2, “Oh, we’ve already met.” That wasn't a joke; she genuinely thought I'd brought the same person to a different event.

 

Beloved, it’s not petty to block someone who is wasting your time. It’s okay to break up with someone even if you can’t think of a “real” reason. Just because someone wants to date you, it doesn’t mean you have to date them. Go with your gut and hit block!

 

You’d block a scammer from calling you. So what’s the problem? Don’t be afraid to channel Maxine Waters and reclaim all your time.

 

My block game is strong; I block ex-lovers and bad clients. I even block strangers on Twitter. Sure, their tweet wasn’t directed at me but I've decided that I don't know you and don't need to know you.

 

Knock-knock on the forehead of anyone considering breaking up with their partner. Just break up with them, sis!

 

Created on St. Maarten; based in Chicago, Onicia Muller (@OniciaMuller) is an award-winning comedic storyteller. She writes and says funny things, and enjoys hanging with creative minds. “Just Being Funny” is a weekly reflection where Onicia laughs at life. Visit www.OniciaMuller.com/JBF