Dear Editor,
Mindfulness allows us to bear witness to our experiences. We get an opportunity to watch ourselves and tell ourselves stories on the experience, whether we judge, criticize, lament, etc. We validate that our mind is doing this. Sometimes mindfulness gives us a couple of moments to recognize that we are reacting as opposed to responding to a situation. If we are flooded (emotionally overwhelmed) and can stay with the experience, mindfulness will give us insight to the crux of the matter.
The emotion of shame is a result of not living up to personal ideals, it is a feeling of fear that one isn't good enough and is about to be found out at any moment. Shame shuts down one's growth and any real chance of maturing. It keeps one in the closet; it is enslaving. Shame is felt in the whole body, but particularly in the upper body; the face, shoulder and chest area. Let's say a child going through a growth spurt urinates in bed; an older sibling finds out about it and starts to tease this growing sibling. If the response from the growing child is: "It wasn't me!" Then shame is present.
Shame makes us lie, lie, lie, and then deny, deny, deny (be cautious of overly-stubborn personalities that give no explanation, or that refuse to listen). The more a person practices the I-didn't-do-it" lie; the greater ingrained the feeling of shame. Shame's first and closest cousin is blame, but we'll discuss that another time.
You have overt and covert shame. Overt is the obvious shaming you see in families, classrooms and businesses. The ridiculing and judging that people do to show their superiority over others in the presence of bystanders (spouses in front of children, teachers towards the usual suspects in front of others, bosses wield this around by callously comparing or pointing out inadequacies in front of clients or colleagues.
Covert shame gives one the feeling of being abandoned, neglected, ignored, disconnected and separated from another person or the group (think of the single mothers whose fatherless children (no time/no money/and no support from the society feel). It is 'crazy making' and one of its most troubling effects is that often we aren't aware that shaming is the culprit.
Using shame as a motivational tool may seem effective, as behaviours may change quicker than with kindness. However, it is suppressive by its nature and can cause people to shut down and distrust. It is probably the key ingredient in societies that do not express their dissatisfaction of leadership and therefore will not engage in much-needed conversations and feedback needed for progress. Shaming can be used as a weapon to keep others in check.
Imagine sharing with loved one information about your vulnerabilities to later have that same sacred information used to shame you. Even if an apology is given, it still leaves one feeling distrust in that relationship; shaming comments leave scars. In fact, bullies or abusers are extremely 'shame-prone' (though they have high self-esteem) they are just afraid that they may be exposed.
In her books Daring Greatly and The gifts of Imperfection, Brene Brown, who is lead researcher in shame and empathy says, "We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honour the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness, and affection.
"Love is not something we give or get; it is something we nurture and grow a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them— we can only love others as much as we love ourselves. Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed, and rare." The opposite of shame, says Brene, is wholeheartedness; however, one would first have to start exploring 'shame-resilience' to get to wholeheartedness.
Brene's explanation of shame resilience is the ability to practice authenticity when we experience shame, to move through the experience without sacrificing our values, and to come out on the other side of the shame experience with more courage, compassion, and connection than we had going into it. Shame resilience is about moving from shame to empathy— the real antidote to shame. The usual response for men to shame is: pissed off or shut down. In relationships, women usually are provocative and up on their high horse, when they feel shamed by neglect or invalidated. (I could go on about this but...)
Calling all parents, teachers, caretakers, leaders, etc. to end shaming. When I was growing up, there was a glass/crystal shop in town, I remember seeing "the lady of shame" head bent, hands hiding her face. I can still hear Milicent de Weever muttering that she didn't want her in her house. After all these years, I now understand why shame is something we should avoid making a habit of and to be mindful when it's in the room.
There are many systems (schools/businesses/even coaches) that use toxic shame to keep operations going, however, the reactions of students and employees are climaxing; shaming is making people mentally unwell. We need to rethink this strategy and start addressing methods that are causing more harm than good in our societies. Let's be mindful about using shame to manipulate.
Debbie Zwanikken
Dear Editor,
Mindfulness allows us to bear witness to our experiences. We get an opportunity to watch ourselves and tell ourselves stories on the experience, whether we judge, criticize, lament, etc. We validate that our mind is doing this. Sometimes mindfulness gives us a couple of moments to recognize that we are reacting as opposed to responding to a situation. If we are flooded (emotionally overwhelmed) and can stay with the experience, mindfulness will give us insight to the crux of the matter.
The emotion of shame is a result of not living up to personal ideals, it is a feeling of fear that one isn't good enough and is about to be found out at any moment. Shame shuts down one's growth and any real chance of maturing. It keeps one in the closet; it is enslaving. Shame is felt in the whole body, but particularly in the upper body; the face, shoulder and chest area. Let's say a child going through a growth spurt urinates in bed; an older sibling finds out about it and starts to tease this growing sibling. If the response from the growing child is: "It wasn't me!" Then shame is present.
Shame makes us lie, lie, lie, and then deny, deny, deny (be cautious of overly-stubborn personalities that give no explanation, or that refuse to listen). The more a person practices the I-didn't-do-it" lie; the greater ingrained the feeling of shame. Shame's first and closest cousin is blame, but we'll discuss that another time.
You have overt and covert shame. Overt is the obvious shaming you see in families, classrooms and businesses. The ridiculing and judging that people do to show their superiority over others in the presence of bystanders (spouses in front of children, teachers towards the usual suspects in front of others, bosses wield this around by callously comparing or pointing out inadequacies in front of clients or colleagues.
Covert shame gives one the feeling of being abandoned, neglected, ignored, disconnected and separated from another person or the group (think of the single mothers whose fatherless children (no time/no money/and no support from the society feel). It is 'crazy making' and one of its most troubling effects is that often we aren't aware that shaming is the culprit.
Using shame as a motivational tool may seem effective, as behaviours may change quicker than with kindness. However, it is suppressive by its nature and can cause people to shut down and distrust. It is probably the key ingredient in societies that do not express their dissatisfaction of leadership and therefore will not engage in much-needed conversations and feedback needed for progress. Shaming can be used as a weapon to keep others in check.
Imagine sharing with loved one information about your vulnerabilities to later have that same sacred information used to shame you. Even if an apology is given, it still leaves one feeling distrust in that relationship; shaming comments leave scars. In fact, bullies or abusers are extremely 'shame-prone' (though they have high self-esteem) they are just afraid that they may be exposed.
In her books Daring Greatly and The gifts of Imperfection, Brene Brown, who is lead researcher in shame and empathy says, "We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honour the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness, and affection.
"Love is not something we give or get; it is something we nurture and grow a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them— we can only love others as much as we love ourselves. Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed, and rare." The opposite of shame, says Brene, is wholeheartedness; however, one would first have to start exploring 'shame-resilience' to get to wholeheartedness.
Brene's explanation of shame resilience is the ability to practice authenticity when we experience shame, to move through the experience without sacrificing our values, and to come out on the other side of the shame experience with more courage, compassion, and connection than we had going into it. Shame resilience is about moving from shame to empathy— the real antidote to shame. The usual response for men to shame is: pissed off or shut down. In relationships, women usually are provocative and up on their high horse, when they feel shamed by neglect or invalidated. (I could go on about this but...)
Calling all parents, teachers, caretakers, leaders, etc. to end shaming. When I was growing up, there was a glass/crystal shop in town, I remember seeing "the lady of shame" head bent, hands hiding her face. I can still hear Milicent de Weever muttering that she didn't want her in her house. After all these years, I now understand why shame is something we should avoid making a habit of and to be mindful when it's in the room.
There are many systems (schools/businesses/even coaches) that use toxic shame to keep operations going, however, the reactions of students and employees are climaxing; shaming is making people mentally unwell. We need to rethink this strategy and start addressing methods that are causing more harm than good in our societies. Let's be mindful about using shame to manipulate.
Debbie Zwanikken
Dear Editor,
It seems as if everyone tends to agree or raise their hands above their heads when it comes down to "what about when so and so did this or did that?" And then there was this in the editorial "the disturbing trend unfortunately can be seen throughout all sectors." The behaviour in traffic was mentioned as an example and I could not agree more, but permit me to remind your readers how too many of those who were vying for office expressed themselves during the recent held political campaign. Instead of choosing the high road too often the low road was chosen in reacting to each other's allegations. To add to all this Minister Lake in preparing for his legal defence in the notorious land deal sums up a series of projects executed by government before or during his tenure which if I understand correctly, were not addressed in the same way his land deal blunder was addressed. (Being right is not always good).
Just as we would hope for the grown-ups in the community to be an example to the youth, more so we expect our leaders in government to be role models. Minister Lake was being hypocritical, because instead of saying I will not follow that wrong trend of government, he went back to basics, using those mentioned projects as armour to justify his eventual future wrong. Permit me to remind not alone Minister Lake but whoever, no matter what. If you dig two holes, one of those holes will remain yours. By now one should know that this is not against the person of Maurice Lake, because I like the good gentleman, but being a Minister of government he is in debt to the people and I am part of the people so I react to things that I believe government is not doing right.
Sitting in one's living room and making observations is different than openly voicing ones opinion. Does Minister Lake then want to imply that focus should be on the armed robbers alone and that government officials should be permitted to wheel and deal at random with the people's patrimony. Terms like white colour and blue colour come to mind. Robbers rob. Government Ministers take an oath to serve and are being well paid to do so. I do not understand the comparison. What I know is that one should be careful in thinking that "I did not physically commit the act," because there are terms like "knowingly" and "by association" etc., which could still change the procedure. By the way if there was no reaction to that strange land deal, would Mr. Lake have kept his silence concerning those "dubious" projects of the past? Not good.
The lack of integrity by leaders in government again comes into play here. Again not helping to encourage peace among the youth. Nobody has to pick on us, we are constantly supplying ammunition for them to use against us. It is easy to do the right thing. The same effort you make to get up every day to go to work is the same type of effort you can use to refuse to do negative things and after a while it becomes natural and you even get in the habit of apologizing when you think you said or did the wrong thing. It is still so that two wrongs do not make a right. The letters of the word PEACE could stand for several things I would simply like for them to stand for Positive Encouragement And Comprehensive Education.
Russell A. Simmons
Dear Editor,
It seems as if everyone tends to agree or raise their hands above their heads when it comes down to "what about when so and so did this or did that?" And then there was this in the editorial "the disturbing trend unfortunately can be seen throughout all sectors." The behaviour in traffic was mentioned as an example and I could not agree more, but permit me to remind your readers how too many of those who were vying for office expressed themselves during the recent held political campaign. Instead of choosing the high road too often the low road was chosen in reacting to each other's allegations. To add to all this Minister Lake in preparing for his legal defence in the notorious land deal sums up a series of projects executed by government before or during his tenure which if I understand correctly, were not addressed in the same way his land deal blunder was addressed. (Being right is not always good).
Just as we would hope for the grown-ups in the community to be an example to the youth, more so we expect our leaders in government to be role models. Minister Lake was being hypocritical, because instead of saying I will not follow that wrong trend of government, he went back to basics, using those mentioned projects as armour to justify his eventual future wrong. Permit me to remind not alone Minister Lake but whoever, no matter what. If you dig two holes, one of those holes will remain yours. By now one should know that this is not against the person of Maurice Lake, because I like the good gentleman, but being a Minister of government he is in debt to the people and I am part of the people so I react to things that I believe government is not doing right.
Sitting in one's living room and making observations is different than openly voicing ones opinion. Does Minister Lake then want to imply that focus should be on the armed robbers alone and that government officials should be permitted to wheel and deal at random with the people's patrimony. Terms like white colour and blue colour come to mind. Robbers rob. Government Ministers take an oath to serve and are being well paid to do so. I do not understand the comparison. What I know is that one should be careful in thinking that "I did not physically commit the act," because there are terms like "knowingly" and "by association" etc., which could still change the procedure. By the way if there was no reaction to that strange land deal, would Mr. Lake have kept his silence concerning those "dubious" projects of the past? Not good.
The lack of integrity by leaders in government again comes into play here. Again not helping to encourage peace among the youth. Nobody has to pick on us, we are constantly supplying ammunition for them to use against us. It is easy to do the right thing. The same effort you make to get up every day to go to work is the same type of effort you can use to refuse to do negative things and after a while it becomes natural and you even get in the habit of apologizing when you think you said or did the wrong thing. It is still so that two wrongs do not make a right. The letters of the word PEACE could stand for several things I would simply like for them to stand for Positive Encouragement And Comprehensive Education.
Russell A. Simmons
Dear Editor,
The most important reason for reading to children is for them to develop a love of literacy or to acquire a deep affection for print. Therefore, the most critical time to read to them is from the moment they were born up until their kindergarten years. Here is where the foundation is set, so it is crucial that this is done at this stage of their development.
However, it is of utmost importance that we understand the purpose and methods for reading to children in order to achieve the results that are necessary to set this foundation. With this in mind, we will focus on the purpose and discover that there are seven specific reasons why we read to children and how we use books as the infrastructure for their entire school life.
The number one reason for reading to children is for joy of literacy, as mentioned in the opening sentence. If we, as parents, read to our children frequently they would learn to treat books as their buddy. Once we have established this starting point, we will soon find out the other reasons why we need to read to them, so that they can develop into literate individuals.
If we reflected on how humans learn we would find that everything starts with a concept or rule for that particular thing. If we also keep in mind that there is a specific time to achieve certain skills, then we will know that we cannot delay the progress of our children if we want them to strive in a very competitive world.
So, our second reason for reading to children is to develop specific concepts or ideas of things. It is imperative that children who are of pre-school and kindergarten age get exposed to basic concepts such as: letters, sounds, colours, shapes, numbers, sizes, days of the week, positions, textures etc. When we, as parents, understand that we have an obligation to educate ourselves first, then our task of educating our children would be much easier and more purposeful.
Thirdly, reading to children for information is a great way for them to find out more about the world that they live in. Here is where the concepts are expanded or transferred and the opportunity to learn becomes limitless.
Fourthly, sometimes parents overlook the aspect of selecting books that deal with humour, which is such an important skill for children to develop. Humour can be considered as a Mecca cognitive skill. It is beyond knowledge – it is a skill that requires pulling language out and having the ability to analyse it and understand it.
Next, we read to children to develop sensitivity to emotions. In other words, children need to have an understanding of their feelings and those of other persons as well.
We also read to children to expand their vocabulary and comprehension, which are closely linked together. If children have an extensive vocabulary, it is much easier for them to understand what is said, and they in turn would be able to express themselves fluently and in an intelligent way.
Finally, we read to children to develop reading and writing skills. As parents, we must be aware that there is a vast difference between children who are read to on a daily basis during these critical years of their development versus those who were not so fortunate to have this privilege. Children who are read to every day tend to induce everything, so learning to read and write become almost like osmosis. They do not need to be taught a lot because they have all their systems working for them that would be necessary for the development of these vital skills.
To recap, as we can see, all these skills are very important, but they become essential at different times during their developmental stages. This is why we must educate ourselves as parents, so that we can plan for our children in order for them to reach these milestones at the appropriate time rather than letting them happen by chance or to depend solely on the educational system to supply these needs.
Joslyn Morton
